Joketime 102

Posted by raredog in joke jok jok, ... | 03.30.2007 - 7:10 am




Beach

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
===================
Let me Bite Your Breasts?!!??

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?”
“Are you nuts?”, she replies. And keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen sir, I’m not that kind of woman. Got it?”
So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again:
“Would you let me bite your breasts for 10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says “Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh? Ok,
but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there”
So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on
them and start caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them… but no biting.
In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: “Are you gonna bite
them or what?”
“Nah”, he replies. “Too expensive”
===================
Wanted Ad

“HUSBAND WANTED,—— > > PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.”
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:
“HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.”
On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman
sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, “You’re
not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you….you
have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!”
Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?” With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I”
===================
Genie

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, “Thanks for freeing me I will grant you one wish” The fisherman looks around and says, “well we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer”. *POOF* the jenie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, “What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!”
===================
Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
“Is that all?”, Holmes asked.
“Yes.” Watson replied. “Why, am I missing something?”.
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: “Watson, you dickhead. Someone has stolen the fucking tent.”
===================
Little girl:

“Mom, I just found out that the boy
next door has a
penis like a peanut!”
Mommy: “You mean, it’s small?”
Little girl: “No, it’s SALTY”
===================
A couple placed an ad:

“Have 4 sons, need
advice on how to get a daughter.”

Responsed by different men:
American: Keep trying!
British: Change doctor!
Australian: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Japanese: Eat lots of sushi!
Philipine: LET ME TRY!
===================
Something you just can’t explain:

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm…
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…
===================
CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists…two men and
a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.

Kill Her!!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then
the man came out with tears in his eyes.

“I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to beat him to death
with the chair.”

Moral: Women can be evil. Don’t mess with them
===================
Like father, Like son:

kid: dad! my teacher suspended me and he wants you to go to her office tomorrow!

dad: why? what the hell happened?

kid: she asked me questions… i answered, and she got mad…

dad: what?! what did she asked you?

kid: ok, i’m gonna ask you the same… 4+6?

dad: 10

kid: 6+4?

dad: what’s the fuckin’ difference?!

kid: that’s what i said…
===================
Speeding…

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and they have the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card

in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who

owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly

surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense

situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in

it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in

the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said

there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him

you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that

there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding, too.
===================
Ring-Ring,

“Hello?”

“Hi, honey, this is daddy,” … “Is your mommy near the phone?”

“No, daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,”

After a brief pause, daddy says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!”

“Uh, Okay, then…here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that

daddy’s car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

“Well, I did what you said, daddy.”

“And what happened?” he asks.

“Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the
front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must
have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he
hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s all real dead too.”
***long pause***

Then daddy says, “Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?”
===================
Mad Cow Disease

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: “Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?” The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:

“Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):

“Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

The Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

The reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

The Farmer: “I am getting to the point,madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”
===================
Pussywillows

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into

the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his

ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the

patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman

appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make

those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the

rest of your life;  better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for

the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for

anything the rest of your life!”

THEN POOF!….she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for

his friend, Fred. “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in

the Pussywillows.” Harry yells back……”DON’T SWING FRED!!!” “For God sake,

DON’T SWING!!”
===================
Winning Streak

A Polish guy is staying at a casino hotel in Las Vegas. He walks up to a soda

machine, puts in his 75 cents, and presses the “Coke” button. Of course, he

gets a Coke, and he’s ecstatic. He puts in another 75 cents and hits “Sprite”.

He gets a Sprite and starts celebrating all over again. This continues for

about an hour until he’s almost cleaned out the soda machine. A manager walks

over and asks him what’s up. The polish guy says, “Leave me alone! I’m

Winning!” 😆
===================
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2 responses on "Joketime 102" »

Hi there! I just added some of your jokes into my multiply account. For info, 🙂

geri
Posted on June 28, 2008

No problem. A backlink perhaps 😀

geri’s last blog post..Ang Saya Dito sa Coke Bloggers Party

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