Joketime 105

Posted by raredog in joke jok jok, ... | 08.29.2007 - 6:24 pm




It’s Ana’s first time at the gynecologist. She’s up in the stirrups, and she’s scared to death.

The gynecologist says, “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

She says, “Yes. It’s my first time at the gynecologist.”

He says, “Would you like me to numb you down there?”

She says, “Please.”

He sticks his head between her legs and goes, “Num, num, num…”

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A man and his wife have separate bedrooms because of his loud snoring. One night when he was feeling amorous, he called out to his wife. “Oh my little boopey-boo, I miss you.”

So his wife got up went to his room, but as she was walking in she tripped on the carpet and fell flat on her face.

“Oh,” he said sweetly, “did my little honey-woney hurt her little nosey-wosey?”

The woman gets up, enters her husband’s bed and they make passionate love.

Afterward, as she is going back to her room she once again trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man raises his head from the pillow, looks at his wife lying on the floor and says, “Clumsy bitch.”

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Man: kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyong ito, ikaw na ang bahala sa mga bata.

Wife: tumigil ka nga diyan! kung kelan tatlo na ang anak natin, saka ka nagpatuli!

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A man went to a pharmacy to buy condom.

Saleslady: P1,000 per piece sir!

Man: Whaaat? Why so expensive?

Saleslady: Kasi pwede natin itesting sir! hihihi

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A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”

“Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?”

“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”

“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”

“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”

“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept
through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind
her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April
and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,”
But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted,
“IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A?S !”

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Ano daw ang difference ni Prince Charles At Kulangot! –
Si Prince Charles ay “heir to the throne” while ang Kulangot ay
“Thrown to the Air”.

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Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo? – Kasi bilang na ang araw niya.
Eh bakit masuwerte naman ang kalendaryo? – Dahil marami siyang
date.

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Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin…… sa
kanila
ang malambot “SUP”, ang sabaw “SUP”, ang sabon “SUP” pa rin.

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How should COFFEE and your BOYFRIEND be alike?
1) He has to be rich
2) He has to be hot
3) He has to keep you up all night!

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HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib,
approved agad ang SSS pension ko.

WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana ang bird mo para may dagdag –
disability benefits.

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ANAK: ‘Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner ‘yun. Pag dito tayo
kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!

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What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a
wooden chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!

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Two married men talking…
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.

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Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

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Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ‘S’ sa mga sinasabi mo
ha! Ano ba ang ulam?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

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BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng ” cooling place ” ?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo ” Hilow, hus cooling
place?

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A man wanted to buy bra for his wife but doesn’t know the size.
Salesgirl ask : ” Is it as big as papaya ? ”
Man replied : ” No ”
Salesgirl : ” an apple ”
Man : ” No ”
Salesgirl : ” ahh..an egg ? ”
Man : ” YES , but fried ! ”

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Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh!
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya!

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A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a
drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says,
“Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative
sentence can have me for tonight.”
So the White guy says “I love liver and cheese.”
She says “That’s not good enough”
The Black man says “I hate liver and cheese”
She says “That’s not creative”
Finally, the Filipino says “Liver alone, cheese mine!”

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How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it.
If the cat likes it…rat!
If it doesn’t…cat!
If it runs…dog!

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What’s the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption
in the Philippines? In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines,
they go to US!

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Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy – hulugan!
Pag Bumbay – 5-6!
Pag Kano – credit card!
E pag Intsik – C.O.D.!!!!

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Lulubog na ang barko…
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose…
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara…
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!

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A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says “Mommy, what are you doing?” She said, “Well, daddy’s too fat so I thought I’d try to flatten him out.” The boy replied, “Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!”

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A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”

“Breast fed”, she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry, You don’t have any milk.”

“Naturally”, she said, “I’m his Grandma. But I’m glad I came today”.

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A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer (man without ears) asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears?”

Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears?”

Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy “What ever you do, don’t say anything about his not having any ears – He’ll kick you right out.”

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, “Why, you wear contact lenses don’t you.”

The interviewer says, “That’s impressive that you’re so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?”

3rd guy “Because you don’t have any damn ears to hang glasses on”

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Misis: Hmph! Ilabas mo naman ako minsan! Puro dito na lang tayo nag-aano sa kuwarto, eh!

Mister: Ano bang pinagsasabi mo riyan? Okay naman dito.

Misis: Para maiba naman.

Mister: O, sige, saan mo gusto?

Misis: Sa bubong.

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Isang araw, nung mga three years old na si Boy
Bastos, sabay sila naligo ng
tatay niya nang mapansin niya yung etits ng
kanyang tatay.

Boy Bastos: Tay, ano po yan?

Tatay: A, eto, a, eh, ano to ? ah ?.. (nahiya
pa ang gago)

Boy Bastos: Yan pong nakalawit na yan?

Tatay: A, anak, eh, lumpia to.

Boy Bastos: Tangnang lumpia yan, mukhang
tite!!!

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Nasa isang mall si Boy Bastos nang bigla
siyang ma-jingle. Pumunta siya sa
pinakamalapit na CR pero sarado ang men’s
room. Dahil desperado, sa women’s
room na lang siya nag-CR. Nang palabas siya,
nahuli siya ng janitor.

Janitor: Hoy, bakit dito ka umihi, hindi mo ba
alam na pambabae itong CR na to?

Inilabas ni Boy Bastos ang tite at ipinakita
sa janitor.

Boy Bastos: E bakit ito, hindi ba ito pambabae?

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Matanda na si Boy Bastos at binata na ang
kanyang anak. Pinayagan niya na
itong maghanap ng asawa, ngunit sa isang
kondisyon: kailangan niyang
humanap ng asawang inosesnte pa.

Naisip ng anak niya na upang makakita siya ng
inosente, ipapapakita niya

ang kanyang etits sa babae at titingnan ang
reaction nito.

Nalibot niya ang buong mundo, ngunit hindi
siya makakita ng babaeng hindi
alam kung ano yun. Ngunit isang araw, nakakita
siya ng babaeng mukhang
inosente at ipinakita niya yung kanyang tite.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

So, naisip niya, inosente nga ito, akala
niya uod yung nakita niya.

At inuwi niya yung babae sa bahay para
ipakilala kay Boy Bastos. Para
maipakitang inosente nga, pinakita niya ulit
yung tite niya, this time sa harap ni Boy Bastos.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

At nabilib si Boy Bastos, aba, inosente nga.
Kaya sinubukan din ni Boy Bastos yung babae at
ipinakita niya ang kanyang ari.

Boy Bastos: Ano to?

Babae: P.T..G INA, YAN ANG TITE!!!

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Outside of the Manila Hotel, a Japanese tourist gets in a cab and tells the driver to drive him to the airport.
On their way, a car zoomed by and the Japanese goes “Aaah Toyota, made in Japan…very faaast!”

And then another car zooms by and the Japanese goes “Aaah Nissan, made in Japan…very faaast!”

And then another, “Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan… very faaast!”

By this time the Pinoy cabbie getting tired of his passenger nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport the cabbie tells his passenger “400 pesos please.”

The Japanese goes “400 pesos? It’s not that far from the hotel!”

The cabbie reply: “Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan….very faaast!”


1 Comment on "Joketime 105" »

haha thanks for the laughs. ^_^

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