joketime 106

Posted by raredog in joke jok jok, ... | 01.24.2008 - 9:14 pm




A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is I think I should be in the third grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry: after a moment, “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants”

Ms. Brooks: “What’s starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer was given.

Harry: Bubble gum.

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: “Firetruck”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last 7 questions wrong.

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JUDGE: Anong mangyayari so iyo kung ipapaputol ko and tenga mo?
ERAP : Hihina po and aking pandinig!
JUDGE: Eh, kung ipapaputol ko ang magkabilang tenga mo?
ERAP : Eh, lalabo po and aking paningin!
JUDGE: Aba, bakit ganon?

ERAP : Kasi po mahuhulog and aking salamin sa mata!

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Inside the bus sitted face to face was a hippie and a nun. the hippy said, “hey sista, can i have s*x with you?”. “how dare you!!!” said the nun as she slapped the hippie and went off the bus. after that, the bus driver said to the hippie “if you wanna fcuk that nun, be at the cemetery at midnight tonight and just tell her that you’re an angel and she’ll do anything for you.”

that midnight, the hippie went to the cemetery and dressed in all white. then she saw the nun praying so he went closer and said “i am an angel and i order you to do anyting for me.. i want you to have s*x with me”. “of course my lord, but please can you use my butt because i want to retain my virginity..” “that’s fine with me.. now face backwards” so the hippie started banging the nun. after the hippie finished, he revealed himself and shouted “HAHAHA! I’M THE HIPPIE!!!” to his surprise the nun stood straight, removed her veil and shouted “HAHAHA! I’M THE BUS DRIVER!!!”

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This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year.
In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in s*men. A young female freshman, raised her hand and asked, “If I
understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male s*men,
as in sugar?” “That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add
some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why
doesn’t it taste sweet?” After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books,
and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as
she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally
straight-faced, he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because
the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the
back of your throat!”

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After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
“Let me tell you a story,” said the doctor. “An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot.”
“Impossible!” the geezer exclaimed. “Somebody else must have shot that bear.”
“Exactly,” replied the doctor.

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What does a porno girl and the Bermuda Triangle
have in common?

They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen. 😀

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Suddenly my PC just would not go. So I called my computer freak friend to see what is wrong with it. He came over and started pressing key here and
there, and all of a sudden my PC came alive. He started to go so I asked what was wrong with it. He mumbled, “Oh, it was just an ID ten T error.” I
did not want to be looked stupid, but nevertheless I asked him, “What’s ID ten T error?” He smiled and said “You don’t know what’s ID ten T error? Write it down then you’ll know what it is.”

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Q: difference between LOVE, TRUE LOVE and SHOW OFF:

A:
Love spits
True Love swallows
Show off gargles

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sa Mental Hospital..sinusuri kung pwede ng lumabas ng ospital si Amboy.
Kailangan siyang makapasa sa Q n A at makakasagot ng tama upang makalaya.

doktor: ah amboy, ahurm..gusto mo na bang lumabas?
amboy: opo opo..
doktor: well, bakit mo gustong lumabas?
amboy: na mi miz ko na po ang makihalubilo sa mga tao.
doktor: (tumatango ang doktor)sa palagay ko magaling ka na..hmmm..sino
ang gusto mong puntahan pag labas mo dto?
amboy: asawa ko po at mga anak..malaki ang pagkukulang ko sa kanila..

(NAKU MADRAMA NA!..ITULOY NATIN)

doktor: pagdating mo sainyo, ano ang gagawin mo?
amboy: yayakapin ko po mga anak ko..tapos yayayain ko sa kuwarto ang
aking asawa..
doktor: (nanlaki ang mga mata..parang may nakikinikinita)..tapus
tapos..ano gagawin mo sa asawa mo?(sabay lunok!)
amboy:sasarado ko ang pinto..hahalikan ko sya..unti..unti kong
tatanggalin ang saplot nya sa katawan..
doktor: (pinagpapawisan)ahh..talgang magaling ka na nga..tapos ano pa ..ano pa gagawin mo?
amboy: tatanggalin ko ang bra niya..at tatanggalin ko na rin ang panty
niya!
doktor:(nanginginig na)
amboy: pagkatanggal ko ng panty niya kukunin ko yung GARTER at
TITIRADURIN ko ang buwan!!
doktor:guard..ibalik ito sa kuwarto! buset!!

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A lady visits her doctor again.
Doc: You looked more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having three meals a day as I advised?
Lady: What? I thought you said three MALES a day!

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Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?
Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?” “Yes, I remember,” says the wife. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!” “I remember that, too,” she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek and said to himself… “I should have been a freeman by now”

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, “NOOO..!” “What’s the matter?” asked the wife, “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.”

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There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parent’s house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture.

While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, “What are they doing?”

He says, “They’re making love.”

“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asked.

“Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.

“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asked.

He says, “Those are his knots.”

She says, “Oh, OK, I got it.”

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”

Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

“Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope!”

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a man and his gf was driving on a highway when they decided to make love… they undressed and was completely naked when accident happen and their car fall from sides of the hill .

the girl manage to pull herself out but the man was trapped among their clothes and things….

man: go and call for help

girl: i cant …not without any clothes on

man: here take my shoes and cover your part…hurry im losing blood!

and so the girl went to look for help covering her nakedness with just a shoe and found one.

girl: help! my boyfriend falled and is stuck!

help: sorry sis., cant help you. he’s way in too deep.

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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been! asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stun! ned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beatin! g on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

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An Arab was interviewed at US Checkpoint..

Ur name please?

..Abdul Aziz

Sex?

..Six times a week

I mean, male or female?

..Doesn’t matter. sometimes even camel.

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Mother: Diba sabi ko kung hahawakan ka ng Boyfriend mo sa dede,
say “DON’T!”, tapos kung hawakan ka sa pepe, say “STOP!”
—eh anong nangyari bakit ka nabuntis?

Daughter: Kasi po sabay niyang hinawakan kaya sabi ko, “Don’t stop!”

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At their honeymoon:

60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: “Honey,before we do it, let’s first
pray for guidance.”

Young bride: “Darling, just pray for endurance, I’ll take care of the
guidance!”

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A blind man and his guide dog walked into a tavern and found their way up to the bar. After ordering a drink and sitting for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, Hey, wanna hear a joke about blogger?

The bar immediately gets quiet and in a deep, husky voice, the woman seated next to him says, Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blogger, the bouncer is a blogger and Im a 6ft 200lb blogger with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the guy sitting next to me is a blogger weight lifter. The guy to your right is a pro wrestler who sidelines as a blogger. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man ponders for a moment and then says, Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times!

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered bad breath. This made him …….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Doctor, the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I
can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see
what I can do.”

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off
your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the
way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put
your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,”
he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

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The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 30s.

Can I help you?” she asked.
I want to see Natalie,” the man replied.
Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else, said the Madam.
No, I must see Natalie was the man’s reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $2,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out the money and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $2,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.

The following night, the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. “No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.”
“Really?” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $6,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is:

Some things in life are certain . . .

1.Death
2.Taxes, and
3.Being screwed by a lawyer

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the shortest fairy tale in the world:

once upon a time a guy said to a girl, “will you marry me?”
the girl said, “no.” and the guy lived happily ever after.

the end.

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Girl 19 yrs old: Mommy..Mommy.. pwede na ba ako magbuntis??

Mommy: Bakit kinasal ka na ba?

Girl 19 (Nagkamot ng ulo… sabay tanong ulit sa Mommy nya)

Girl 19 yrs old: Mommy..Mommy.. pwede na ba ako ikasal?

Mommy: Bakit buntis ka na ba??


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