A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it?
The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.
The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re surely going to blow chunks”.
You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.
Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”
Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”
The man does so and the doctor grabs his p3nis.
Doctor: “Say ’55.'”
The doctor then grabs his balls.
Doctor: “Say ’55.'”
Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.
The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.
Doctor: “Say ’55.'”
The company president called the chief security guard into his office.
“Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual
comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong.
These unwanted advances will have to stop.”
Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t’ do it again.”
The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.” Chuck’s face lit up.
I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!”
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh
James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Oh really, I can’t,” he replies…”My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened, somewhat feels his face and replies “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”
A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes out to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”
The mother replies, “Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.” “Your wasting your time,” said the boy.
“Why is that?” the mom asked puzzled.
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”
In Flight Refreshment
An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each
other on the plane.
The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, “Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.”
The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the air-hostess said, “Madam, I did not know there was a choice.”
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
GirL: “What? You’re crazy!”
Boy: “Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”
Girl: “No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor…”
Boy: “At this time of the night? No one will show up…”
Girl: “I’ve already said No, and NO!”
Boy: “Honey, it’s just a small blowie…I know you’d like it, too…”
Girl: “No! I’ve said NO!”
Boy: “My love… Don’t be like that…”
At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowj0b himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”
3 men die and go to heaven. At the gates, they meet St Peter who tells them
‘Before you come in here, you have to answer one question. According to how you answer the question you will get a mode of transport. The mode of transport you have determines your status in heaven, do you understand?’
‘yes’ answer the men
‘ok’ says Peter and he turns to the first man. ‘Tell me truthfully, how many times have you had an affair???’
‘Well’ said the first man ‘I must admit I’ve had an affair 5 times’
‘You get a bicycle then’ said Peter and off the man goes into heaven
The second man answers, ‘I’ve had an affair 2 times’ and so he gets a mini cooper and goes off into heaven
Finally the last man answers ‘I can honestly say I have never had an affair in my life, I love my wife’ and so he gets a brand new bmw and goes off into heaven.
A time later, the first man sees the last man sat next to his brand new bmw crying.
‘What could possibly be wrong, you have this wonderfull car?’ asks the first man.
‘It’s not that, I think that’s great’ says the man crying, ‘it’s just that I’ve just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!’
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,
I will stay with you for one week.”
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I’ll stay with you and do *anything* you want.”
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess,
that I’ll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why won’t
you kiss me?”
The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.” 😀