IDD CALL FROM US:
HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan?
WIFE: dept store na!
H: ang tuba-an?
W: KTV bar na!
H: and mga pedicab?
W: taxi na!
H: ang dalawa kong anak?
W: LIMA na!
A SAD STORY:
a little boy was so jealous of his new born brother…
he put poison on the nipple of his mother, the next day..
their driver died.
DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!
MAID: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal!
YOU’VE GOT MAIL
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.”
The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”
MR. AND MRS.
MR: DARLING, pag ulo lang daw ipapasok magiging PRESIDENTE daw anak natin.
MRS: putaragis, di bale ng BARANGAY TANOD basta ilubog pati itlog!
I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
WHERE IS THIS BUS GOING?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
NEW HEARING AID
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
PASSING AN EXAM
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
Anak: Dad, i’m fifteen na… pwede na ba akong mag-bra?
Dad: Di pwede!
Anak: But dad, all my frends wear bra na.
Dad: Tumigil ka “BADONG” baka sipain kita!!!
Dinala ng mag-asawang zeny at gerry ang kanilang anim na taong anak na lalaki sa duktor dahil concerned sila kung bakit maiit ang “titi” nito.
Matapos ma-examine ng duktor ang bata ay sinabi niya sa mag-asawa na madali lang malunasan ang pagiging maliit ang “titi” ng kanilang anak. “PAKANIN LANG DAW NG MARAMING PANCAKES”!!!
Kinaumagahan, sa harap almusalan, isang tambak na pancakes ang nakahain.
Gee, mom, sabi ng anak, “Akin ba lahat ito?”
Sagot ng mommy niya: “KUMUHA KA LANG NG DALAWA AT LAHAT NG MATITIRA AY PARA SA DADDY MO”!!!!!!