joketime 110

Posted by raredog in joke jok jok, ... | 10.21.2008 - 1:15 pm




A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. A few minutes passed and then the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room.

” What happened?” they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure, maybe she choked”.

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there. “Well, sir” is the nervous reply. “As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..m-m-m….urges. That’s why we have the camel, sir.”

The American Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the Irish do it?

“Uh, no sir”, the Sergeant replies. “They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”

…sa isang sementeryo.

Lalaki : Huhuhu (sa harap ng isang puntod)
Pakialamera : ah sir, sino po ang namatay dyan?
Lalaki : asawa ko….huhuhu
Pakialamera : ah…anu ho ikinamatay
Lalaki : kumain ng tulingan
Pakialamera : (tatango-tango lang)

mayamaya lumipat sa katabing puntod ang lalaki

Lalaki : Waaaa….huhuhu (mas malakas ng konti sa una)
Pakialamera : e, sino naman ho ang nakalibing dyan?
Lalaki : asawa ko rin
Pakialamera : ho??? e, ano naman ho ang ikinamatay?
Lalaki : kumain rin ng tulingan
Pakialamera : (tatango-tango lang ulit)

mayamaya lumipat sa ikatlong puntod ang lalaki

Lalaki : Waaaa….huhuhu…(mas malakas ng konti sa ikalawa)

Pakialamera : e ‘yan naman ho, wag nyo sabihing asawa nyo
pa rin ang nakalibing dyan?
Lalaki : asawa ko nga rin
Pakialamera : …wag nyo sabihing sa tulingan rin namatay yan

Lalaki : …ah hindi….PALO SA ULO

Pakialamera : ho? bakit?
Lalaki : AYAW KASE KUMAIN NG TULINGAN

Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili nako ng hearing aid.
Grabe! Ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang.

LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kape ko
APO: Lo, Gina po
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kutchara
APO: Lo, Gina po
LOLO: Punyeta ka Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!

Teacher: Ano ang formula ng water?
Erap: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: BAKIT YAN AT MALING-MALI?
Erap: hindi ba H to O? e di H I J K L M N O.

MISTER: pag namatay ka, isusulat ko sa nitso mo “MALAMIG
NUNG BUHAY,
MAS MALAMIG NUNG MAMATAY!”

MISIS: Ah ganun?! sa nitso mo naman “SA WAKAS NANIGAS DIN!”

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko.
Sabi nya “GO TO HELL”, kaya ito
uwi agad ako..

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: Ha? Bakit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng banyo eh.
Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!

Newborn Chinese names:
Born secretly
TINA GO
Born Swindled
LINO CO
Born without light
ANDY LIM
Born Fat
BOB UY
Born different
EVA YAN
Born blind
KENNETH SY

DAD: anak, bili mo ko softdrinx
ANAK: Coke or pepsi?
D: Coke
A: Diet or regular?
D: regular
A: bote o can?
D: bote
A: 8 oz o litro?
D: Punyeta!! tubig na lang!
A: viva o wilkins?

AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili

Juan: bday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That’s not true! My dad says we are descendants
of an Ape!
Teacher: shut up! We are not talking about your FAMILY!

RUSSIAN: we’re 1st in space
USA: we’re 1st in the moon
ERAP: we’ll be the 1st in the sun
USA: u can’t go there, you’ll burn
ERAP: we’re not stupid, we’ll go there at NIGHT!

Ponkan at mansanas sa loob ng ref…
Ponkan: “Grabe! Ang lamig naman dito sa ref! Parang di ko
na kaya!”
Mansanas: “Hala!…..Nagsasalita ang ponkan!”

KRIMINAL1: “Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung
papatayin natin?”
KRIMINAL2: “Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito
wala parin siya!
Sana naman wlang nangyaring masama sa kanya.”

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


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