Joketime 122

Posted by raredog in joke jok jok, ... | 03.12.2014 - 9:16 am

tawa ulit tayo…….huli ko pang post dito last Feb 2013 pa 😀

 

1. Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo

kayang bilangin?

Anak: Mas bobo si tatay, nay, kasi narinig ko

minsan sabi, ‘tama na inday,

hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.’

 

2. Ano ang pagkain?

Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin?

Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!

Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo?

Ano pagpipilian ko?

Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

 

3. Overseas Call

IDD Call from US:

Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan?

Wife: Department store na!

Husband: Ang tuba-an?

Wife: KTV bar na!

Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad?

Wife: Taxi na!

Husband: Ang dalawa kong anak?

Wife: Lima na!

 

4. Horoscope

Sweethearts watchin’ the sky…

Guy: Ano ang horoscope mo?

Girl: Anong huruskup?

Guy: Yung bang kapalaran mo,

katulad ko, CANCER.

Girl: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

 

5. Almusal

Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na

ang almusal dito ay ala-sais emprunto!

Maid: Walang problema, donya, kung tulog pa

ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong

mag-almusal!

 

6. Ni-rape…

Maid: Ma’m, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw

kagabi…

Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?

Maid: Eh, akala ko po si Sir, pero nung

makadalawa, nagduda na ako!

 

7. Mayaman – Mahirap

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami,

nagkakamay kaming kumain.

Ngayong mahirap na kami,

nakakutsara na.

Pedro: Baligtad yata?

Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

 

8. Pangarap

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly

gaya ni daddy!

Juvy: Wow!

Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?

Toto: Hindi! Yan din ang pangarap niya!

 

9. Dalawang mayabang…

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang…

Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga,

dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.

Diego: Alam ko.

Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?

Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

 

10. Nitrates

A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student,

‘What are Nitrates?’

The student replied shyly, ‘Ma’am, sa motel po,

Nitrates are higher than day rates!’

 

11. Siling Labuyo

Ate: Musta date mo, sis? Epektib ba payo ko,

siling labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka

galawin ng bf mo?

Sis: Hay naku, ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo,

eh, uragon pala!

 

12. Madre’t Sakristan

Madre: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?

Sakristan: Alam nyo na ho yun sister,

lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.

Madre: Susmaryosep!

Bayag ba ang apelyido mo?!

Sakristan: Sister naman, Rosario po.

 

13. Katapusan na!

Lumindol ng malakas noon…

Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!

Sumigaw ang isang lalaki…’Katapusan na!

Katapusan na!’

Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki…

‘Tanga! A-kinse pa lang!’

 

14. Utot

Pupil: Ma’m, bumubukol po ba ang utot?

Teacher: No! Definitely not!

Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember,

hindi bumubukol ang utot…

Pupil: Naku, patay! Tae na to!

 

15. Sa Airplane

Sa isang mumurahing airline…

Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?

Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?

Stewardess: ‘Yes or No’ lang po.

 

16. Walang Syota

Pare1: Pare, ba’t naman hanggang ngayon wala

ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang

napupusuan?

Pare2: Meron… Manhid ka lang!

 

17. Sa Isang Ospital

Lola (may cancer): Doc, anong gagawin niyo sa

akin?

Doc: Che-chemo, lola.

Lola: Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

 

18. Top One

Boy: Nay!

Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!

Nanay: Ba’t mo naman nasabi?

Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one

sa klase. Ang tinuro ni Ma’am yung

katabi ko… Muntik na ako!

 

Natawa ka ba? Nangiti o nautot? :mrgreen:


Laughter in the Court

Posted by raredog in joke jok jok, joke j... | 07.19.2013 - 9:25 am

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

______________________________________

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Hellaflush on Jeepney

Posted by raredog in joke jok jok, joke j... | 05.21.2013 - 2:14 pm

Have you ever heard of the word “stance” and “hellaflush“? We’ll its related to cars and trucks with strange looking design on its tires. Both front and rear tires are leaning to the center of the vehicle. The young generation of car enthusiasts (specially in Japan where it all started)  find these looks awesome, but to some oldies these are just a waste of money since the performance of the car is greatly compromised.

 

Here is a short definition of Stance in the Urban Dictionary

 

To destroy a cars handling abilities by having it lowered an excessive amount. Typically, the tires are tucked way inside the vehicles fenders. But in order to have a hellaflush stance and run the required excessively wide wheels with tires that are stretched just to fit onto the wheels, the car has to have an excessive amount of negative camber. If you stand behind one of these cars don’t be surprised to see the rear tires looking like “/ \”. The rear tires are probably bald on the inside and the outside still looks brand new, and there’s probably only an inch of contact patch with the ground. A hellaflush stance car can’t even pull into a driveway without bottoming out and ripping the bumper off or cracking the

vehicles oil pan. Some stanced cars are so extreme that you can’t even turn the vehicles steering wheel fully in either direction without the tires rubbing.

 

But then again, its a worldwide trend, so I’m thinking what if our famous local jeepney which was branded the King of the Road because its literally everywhere, and with its colorful paint, numerous antennas, side mirrors, fog lamps, loud stereo using its ultrasound amps at Guitar Center will follow this trend?

 

One of these days car show fanatics both local and foreign would definitely freak-out to see a  one helluvah jeep or I should say “HELLAJEEP” haha! 😀


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