Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh!!!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

May nagpapa-translate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog: “Emergency Exit”

ang sabi ko, “MADALING LABASAN…? Tama ba? Parang bastos ata.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Lalake: Pag tayo na, magkasama na nating haharapin ang mga problema.

Babae: Pero wala naman akong problema..

Lalake: Kasi nga, hindi pa tayo. Wag ka excited!!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Sa Sauna:

Sa Hospital…

Attendant: Sir, gusto mo ng tirafi?

Guest: Anong tirafi? Baka therapy?

Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you tira me, you give me fee. uki?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Mr: Hon, buksan mo ang pinto!

Mrs: Sori, hindi pwede. Wala akong suot.

Mr.. (tumawa) ok lang. Wala akong kasama.

Mrs: Ako, meron!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Tip for a long life:

Wag mo isusulat name mo sa condolence book pag dumalaw ka sa patay. Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nagkakaron ng raffle kung sinong susunod….. .

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Guro: Pedro late kana naman..

Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko.

Guro: Problema ba yun. E di i-advance mo.

Pedro: Sige po.

Guro: Oh, saan ka pupunta?

Boy: uwian na po!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!

Mr: Anong ABS?

Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!

Mr: Eh ikaw CBN!

Mrs: CBN?

Mr: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:

Guy 1: Pre, doctor ako.. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako! Ikaw pre?

Guy 2: Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Bakit binaril ng bobo ang girlfriend nya?

Kasi sinubukan nya kung totoong FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Pasahero: Mama, dahan-dahan lang po. Alalahanin nyo na palaging nakasunod sa atin ang disgrasya!

Drayber: E, kaya ko nga binibilisan para di tayo abutan!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

(sa isang turo-turo):

Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!

Tindera: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo….manok?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Tom: Alam mo pare, my new wife is a sex object!

Jerry: Wow! Maganda pala ang napangasawa mo pre!

Tom: Hindi naman. But everytime I want to have sex, she objects!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

PO 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!

SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K10,
hindi na sila aso

PO 1: Ano na sila sir?

SUPT: maliit na pusa…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Anak: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.

Nanay: Sige, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

A husband asked his wife, “What do you like most in me, my macho face or my sexy body?

The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor”.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Russian: Sir, we got huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.

Putin: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

A guy picks up a girl for a date.

“Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?

Girl: I promised mom that I wouldn’t let you touch me below my belt..

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Via: Email

Got Jokes? Share it here at websaytko.com!

This two funny pictures made my day! One is a drunk local cat who seems to gulp a bottle of The Bar. While the other one was taken I think from a neighboring Asian country, based from its plate number. A carabao as a backride haha!

——————————————

1st night, lola wears see thru dress, lolo didn’t react…
2nd night, lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma…
3rd night, lola all naked, lolo said, “Ano ba yang suot mo, gusto-gusot!”

——————————————

TEACHER: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
STUDENT: That’s not true! My dad says we are descendants of an Ape!
TEAHCER: We are not talking about your family OKAY!

——————————————
THE OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

Amen, Sister!

——————————————-

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the
deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing”.

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend” ?

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge” he says. “No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit” she says. “Honestly, ma’am”, the mortician says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice…

… So I just switched heads.”

——————————————–

Bullfight Buffet

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day.

The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, “What gives?”

And the waiter says, “Senor, the bullfighter doesn’t always win!”

——————————————–

Satisfaction

There was an older man who’d married a younger woman. All was going well… except in the bedroom. He couldn’t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn’t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex — that way, he’d last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn’t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

“Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you’re doing?”
Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

“I’m just fixing the axle of my car, officer.”

“Well, while you’re down there you’d better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!”

——————————————–

Country Politics

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, they were ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how crooked politicians lie.”

=================================

WIFE: Himala! Ang aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya
“GO TO HELL”, kaya ito uwi agad ako..

=================================

Ayaw niya!

Boy & a girl check-in sa motel.
Girl: Bakit mo ko dinala dito?
Boy: Pakakasalan naman kita, eh.
Girl: Ayoko dito.
Boy: Wala kang tiwala sa akin?
Girl: Basta, ayoko! Mahina aircon dito!

=================================

Anong Bansa ang walang pangit? UGANDA
Anong Bansa ang di sikat? LAOS
Anong Bansa ang tinutukso? CUBA
Anong Bansa ang madulas? GREECE
Anong Bansa ang hindi sa iyo? KENYA
Anong Bansa ang nakagapos? ITALY
Anong Bansa ang maraming bacteria? GERM-ANY
Anong Bansa ang nagmamadali? RUSH-SIA

===================================
Learn New Japanese Words:
1) Is this your underwear? Jakimoto?
2) Speechless – Wasabe
3) What are your thoughts? Kuro-kuro mo?
4) Are you regular customer? Sukikaba?

=================================
Wife: Gusto kong magpadagdag ng boobs..
Husband: Ha! Di ba masagwa yon… magiging tatlo!

==============================
Mga lasa ng gatas ng babae?
1. Dalagita? – Fresh milk
2. Dalaga? – Pasteur ized
3. Bagong Kasal?- Skimmed
4. Matagal nang kasal? – Yogurt
5. Matandang dalaga? – Taho
6. Lola? – Tokwa

==========================
Nag-aaway ang dalawang tanga
Kulas: Ano ba ang gusto mo, away o gulo?
Tomas: Away na lang para walang gulo.

===========================
Sa isang ospital pagkatapos ng operasyon
Pasyente: Dok, bakit ganito ang operasyon sa ulo?
Halos kita na ang utak ko.
Dok: Okey iyan. At least, open-minded ka na ngayon.

=================================
Inday: Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa
sementeryo ginahasa.
Sir: Paano mo nalaman?
Inday: Kasi nakalagay sa lapida nila RIP!

=========================================
Ano ang mas maraming sakay, jeepney or ambulansya?
Sagot: Siyempre ambulansiya. Kasi ang jeepney, 10-10
lang bawat side. Samantalang sa ambulansya, madalas na
50-50 ang sakay.

=============================
Hindi raw bingi.
Kustomer: (sumisigaw) PABILI NG HOPE!!
Tindero: Huwag kang sumigaw! Hindi ako bingi! Ilang
Coke ba ang bibilhin mo?

=================================
Kumpisalan!
Tulume: Father, patawarin po ninyo ako.
Pari: Ano ang kasalanan mo?
Tulume: Nagnakaw po ako ng limang manok.
Pari: Magdasal ka ng limang Ama Namin.
Tulume: Father, walong Ama Namin na po ang dadasalin
ko. Babalikan ko pa iyong naiwang tatlong manok.

=================================
Prospective Employer to Applicant:
” So why did you leave your previous job?”
Applicant: ” The company relocated and
they did not tell me where!”

=================================
Bisaya 1: ” Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan.”!
Bisaya 2: ” Dili bay!”
Bisaya 1: ” Kay Hipi?”
Bisaya 2: ” Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o, ‘SAFARI’!

=================================
Misis: ” Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko
kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin.”

Radio Host: ” Ok, go ahead!”

Misis: ” Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata,
isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!”

=================================
Hating-gabi, hot si Misis, haplos niya ilong ni Mister, kiliti niya
sa leeg, saka bulong ng malambing sa tenga: ” Luv, wala na akong
panty.”
Sagot ni Mister: ” Ha? sige, tulog ka na, bukas ibibili kita!”

=================================
Nakisakay ka sa FX, ng ikaw ay mautot.
Buti na lang malakas ang tugtog.
Bawat pag-utot, sabay sa tugtog.
Nang ikaw ay bumaba, ang sasama
ng tingin nila sa iyo, bigla mong naalala…
naka headphone ka pala! toinkz!!!

isang gabi…
WIFE: di ako makatulog dahil sa lamok.
mag-S3X muna kaya tayo?
HUSBAND: anong akala mo sa TiTI
ko?….katol!!!! matulog ka na nga!!!!

A man was cornered by a lion. He prayed…
“Help me Lord , please  make this lion a christian”.
the lion suddenly knelt down and prayed….
LION: “bless this food that i’m about to receive amen.”

a priest lost his myna bird & asked during mass…
Priest: anyone got a bird?
all men stood up.
Priest: i mean, anybody seen a bird?
all women stood up.
Priest: i meant anybody seen my bird?
…all nuns stood up

dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons….
Madre1: diyos ko! patawarin mo po sila…at hindi nila alam
ang kanilang ginagawa.
Madre2: ay yung sakin marunong!!!!

After having s3x, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa
organ ng lalaki….
BF: Gusto mo pa ulit?
GIRL: hindi..namimiss ko lng…….meron kase ako nito
dati e….

MRS: bilis dad! nahulog cel ko sa panty ko!!!!
..nagba-vibrate!!!
MR: e anong gagawin ko? kukunin ko sa panty mo?
MRS: tangek!!!! kunin mo ung charger at baka
ma-lowbat!!!!

dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni
misis….
Ngongo: “nges hu?”….
MRS: pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan….e ikaw
lng ngongo dito!!!!

Patient: dok. malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan
kong sulatan ang sarili ko…
Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: hindi ko pa po alam kase hindi pa nagre-reply

Wife: honey… bili mo naman ako ng bra…
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra…
liit namn dede mo e..
Wife: (taas ang kilay) e baket ikaw nagbi-abrief?!!

GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. if u find me, papayag akong
makipag-s*x sayo…
BOY: e kung di kita makita?
GIRL: nasa likod lng ako ng piano…

GIRL: ang puti naman ng bird mo…
BOY: aba syempre ah!!! likas papaya ata gamit ko
jan!!!
GIRL: ginagamitan mo rin ba ng downy?
BOY: baket? bango ba?
GIRL: lambot e!!! toinkz!

BINATA: mis, pede bang manligaw sayo?
DALAGA: at bakit?! may CRV ka ba? BMW? PAJERO?
EXPEDITION?
BINATA: bakit?! ano ba yang EKEK mo!!!? PARKING LOT?!!!!!

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

Is it to go alone inside a haunted house?

Is it to go into war with  bare hands?

Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?

Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?

Is it to insult the bouncer in a bar?

Is it to humiliate your boss?

Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?

Bullsh*t, that’s nothing ….

THIS is COURAGE!!!

Maraming matutuklasan sa lasa ng muta:
Pag mapait: may deprensya ka sa puso.
Pag maasim: may deprensya ka sa bituka.
Pag matamis: may deprensya ka sa balumbalunan.
Pag tinikman mo: may deprensya ka sa ulo!
********************

Nagkasunog sa Malacanang.
PSG: Sir, dito na po kayo lumabas sa fire exit.
Erap: Bat mo ko diyan padadaanin e labasan yan ng apoy!
********************

Erap: Chavit, wala ka bang naaamoy?
Chavit: Wala naman a, anong amoy ba?
Erap: Parang may amoy bulok.
Chavit: Ganyan talaga yan. Malapit kasi ang ilong mo sa bibig mo e.
********************

Erap: (crying) Tumawag ang doktor… Mom’s dead!
Zamora: Condolence, sir.
(After 2 minutes, Zamora hears Erap crying even louder)
Zamora: What’s wrong now?
Erap: My sister just called. Her mom died too!
********************

General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.
********************

Amo: Inday, pagdating ng buyer ng bahay, sabihin mo nagse-second thought pa kami ng sir mo.
Maid: Upu Mam!Later…
Buyer: Saan ang amo mo?
Maid: Si Sir po at si Mam eh nagsisikentut pa pu.
********************

Erap buying chewing gum sa 711.
Erap: Etong bayad!
Cashier: Etong sukli nyo sir.
Erap: Ha? E asan yung libreng asukal?
Cashier: Bakit?
Erap: Sabi dito e sugar-free! Asan na?
********************

Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice.
I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos!
It was written: “Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!”
********************

Q: Kung “salumpwet” ang tagalog ng chair, ano ang tagalog ng wheelchair?
A: Salumpo!
Q: Ano tawag sa intsik na nasa wheelchair?
A: Lumpong Shanghai! (mwehehehe).
********************

Driver to Erap: Boss, pakitingnan nga yung signal lights kung gumagana?
Erap: Oo gumagana. Teka, sira. O gumana na naman.
********************

Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay 8?
A: Ba’t may belt ka?

Q: Ano ang sabi ni 6 kay 9?
A: Tabi tyo.

Q: Ano ang sabi ni 3 kay 1?
A: Ba’t wala kang boobs?

Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay Q?
A: Ambastos mo, mag-brief ka nga.

Q: Anong sinabi ng kili-kili sa kili-kili?
A: Walang magpapaputok!

Q: Anong sabi ng kulangot sa sipon?
A: Manigas ka diyan!

Q: Anong sabi ng utot sa tae?
A: Mauna na ko sayo ha?

Q: Anong sabi ng tae sa tae.
A: Pila-pila lang. Walang tulakan!

————————————————————————————-
In a grade 4 class:
Girl: Ma’am, can a 30 year old woman bear a child?
Teacher: Yes
Girl: a 20 year old lady?
Teacher: Yes.
Girl: a 10 year old girl?
Teacher: No!

boy nudged girl and said, “See, I told you not to worry!”

————————————————————————————-

Naglalakad ang dalawang magsyota ng may makita silang 2 asong nagsesex.
BOY: Honey, di ka ba na-iinggit sa kanila?
Girl: OO naman. Mas malaki pa kase yung sa ASO kesa sayo!

————————————————————————————-

Define IMPOTENCE.
- Nature’s way of saying, NO HARD FEELINGS.

————————————————————————————-

Why women don’t prefer to marry:
Men from las Pinas? -because they have BAMBOO ORGANS;
Fortune Tellers? – because they have CRYSTAL BALLS;
Men from Pateros? – because their itlog is maalat! Yuk!

————————————————————————————-

Boy: Ang sipag ng labandera natin nay!
Nanay: Bakit mo nasabi?
Boy: Kasi, nakita ko po, tulog pa si tatay,
hinuhubad na niya yung brief ni tatay para labhan.

————————————————————————————-

Girl enters sex shop and ask the clerk:
Girl: Where’s your vibrator section?
Clerk: It’s over there on the wall ma’am.
Girl: I want that big red one.
Clerk: Sorry ma’am we can’t sell you that, that’s the fire extinguisher!

————————————————————————————-

Lola: mahal, make love tayo.
Lolo: sige, kunin ko muna comdom.
Lola: sira ulo! di na ko mabubuntis!
Lolo: alam ko, kaya lang may rayuma ako. Di pwede mabasa. (har har har)

————————————————————————————-

Man 1: Misis ko tanga, bumili ng aircon wala kaming kuryente.
Man 2: Mas tanga misis ko. Bumili ng washing machine, wala kaming tubig.
Man 3: Pinaka-tanaga misis ko. laging may condom, wala naman titi.
(awww! mukhang ikaw pinakatanga hehe)

————————————————————————————-

Man: Doc, how can I live to be 100 yrs old?
DOC: do you drink or smoke?
Man: No!
DOC: do you gamble or fool around with women?
Man: Never!
DOC: Then what’s the point to live up to 100? (korek!)

————————————————————————————-

Wife: Wahhhhh! Ni-rape ako ng gorilla sa gubat!
Husband: LAnghiya yan! Patay sakin yan!
(Lumusob at Pagbalik)
Wife: Patay na ba?
Husband: Nai-Ganti na kita. Ni-Rape ko rin asawa niya.
(Tarzan yells Ahhhhh ahhhhhh)

————————————————————————————-

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Hey! That’s a good idea….
dun ka sa kuwarto at mag-alaga ng anak mo,
at ako naman ang uupo jan sa harap ng pc at mag-o-online games magdamag. (sapul harharhar!)

————————————————————————————-

Sa Impiyerno:
Man 1: Pare, ano ang kinamatay mo?
Man 2: Inatake ako sa puso. Akala ko kasi nagtataksil ang misis ko kaya bigla
akong umuwi at nadatnan kong hubo’t-hubad siya. Naghanap ako sa buong kabahayan pero wala akong nakitang lalaki.
Ikaw pare, ano ang kinamatay mo?
Man 1: Namatay ako sa lamig.
Man 2: Ano? bakit naman?
Man 1: Bigla kasing umuwi ang aking kumpare at nagtago ako sa freezer, ang problema na-lock ito sa labas.
Kung naghanap ka lang ng mabuti pare, malamang pareho pa tayong buhay ngayon! (papatayin kita ulit hayuppp kaa!)

————————————————————————————-

“HOney,” gising ng asawa sa mister niya.
“Wala akong panty ngayon.”
Naalimpungatan ang mister.
“Kaya ka pala laging kinakabagan eh,” sabi ng mister. (may ganun!)

————————————————————————————-

Taxi Driver: Miss san tayo?
Miss: Wala akong pambayad eh. Gusto mo BJ na lang?
Taxi Driver: ok…(ayos jackpot!)
After…
Taxi Driver: Oh san tayo?
Miss: Sa gay beauty contest pare!

————————————————————————————-

Anak: Inay, pwede na ba akong mag-bra?
Inay: anak, hindi pwede!
Anak: Eh bakit hindi pwede? Inay, 17 na ko.
Inay: Hindi nga pwede! Tigilan mo na nga ko BOYEt! Uupakan na kita! (hambalusin mo ng matauhan hehe!)

————————————————————————————-

Bakit dapat may bulsa ang brief?
- para lalagyan ng asin, pampaalat sa itlog.

Bakit ang panty walang bulsa?
- Dahil maalat na ang mani.

————————————————————————————-

Bakit ginawang mabaho ang utot?
- para maamoy ng bingi.

————————————————————————————-

Wife placed ecstasy pill on her husband’s coffee to add sexual drive. Moments after drinking, the husband immediately grabbed his wife and spread her legs on the table. The wife shouted” “Bigyan mo naman ako ng kahihiyan dito sa McDo!!!”

————————————————————————————-

Bakit shy ang Pig?
- kasi nanay niya baboy.

Bakit shy ang chick?
- kasi nanay niyang manok may itlog at ang tatay niya wala.

Bakit shy ang toes?
- kasi foot ang ina nya.

bakit bawal sa kalbo ang turtle neck?
- dahil magmu-mukha siyang roll on.

bakit kinagat ni eba ang mansanas?
-kasi di nya nagustuhan ang saging ni adan.

bakit nakatingala ang mga pari habang umiihi?
- tinatanong niya kung hanggang don na lang ba talaga gamit non?

————————————————————————————-

GOOD, BAD, WORST:

Good: palaging nasa kwarto ang anak mong lalaki para mag-aral.
Bad: nakakita ka ng Tiktik magazine sa ilalim ng kama niya.
Worst: ikaw ang cover.

Good: magaling sa fashion ang asawa mo.
Bad: Nagdadamit-babae rin pala siya.
Worst: mas maganda siya kaysa sa iyo kapag suot na niya ang mga damit mo.

Good: Di ka kinakausap ng asawa mo.
Bad: Gusto na niyang makipag-divorse.
Worst: Abogado ang asawa mo.

Good: Buntis ang asawa mo.
Bad: Triplets anak nya.
Worst: Baog ka.

Good: May bagong trabaho ang anak mong babae.
Bad: Dancer pala siya sa isang bar.
Worst: Ang mga kasamahan mo sa trabaho ang mga kliyente nya.
Super worst: mas malaki pa siyang sumuweldo kesa sayo.

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OB-Gyne Check-up:
First time check-up ng isang babae.
DOC: Wow, ang laki laki ng pek pek mo! Wow, ang laki laki ng pek pek mo!
Girl: Doc naman, inulit pa ng dalawang beses.
DOC: Hindi ko inulit. Nag-echo yon. (alingawngawngawngaw)

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Two employees were caught naked and having sex inside the office by the janitor.
Janitor: AHA!!!, Violating company rules!
Male/Female Employees: What rule?
Janitor: (Thinks) Not Wearing uniform! (uu nga naman haha!)

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Pag Umutot:
American: Pardon me.
British: Excuse me.
Pinoy: PU@#$%$, di ako yon! Mamatay na umutot!!!!! (oo nga, oo nga)

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Sa loob ng isang motel:
GIRL: huhuhu… bakit natin ginawa ito? di na ko virgin at 2 beses pa nating ginawa?
BOY: aba! aba! isa lang kaya noh!
GIRL: bakit, hindi mo na ba uulitin? (may ganooooonn!)

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Nagkita ang magkaibigang girl at boy.
Boy: prenship, parang lumalaki ang tiyan mo?
Girl: Kabag lang ito prenship.
(After 9 months. nakita ng boy ang girl na may dalang baby)
Boy: Wow! cute ng utot mo ah! (hihihi)

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wife: dear, bakit may black eyes ka?
husband: paakyat kasi ako sa escalator sa Megamall. Napansin ko na naipit yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kanyang puwet. Inayos ko, tapos hinarap niya ako at sinuntok sa kaliwang mata.
Wife: Ganon! Eh pano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?
husband: E kasi, akala ko gusto nyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya kaya binalik ko ulit. (wappakk!)

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A doctor was making rounds at a hospital when a nurse approaches her.
Nurse: Doc, bakit ho may nakaipit na thermometer sa tenga mo?
DOC: Shucks! Kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan ang BALLPEN ko?

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Man and woman after sex:
WOMAN: bakit kuha mo picture flower ko?
MAN: Papasikat ako sa barkada ko. Ba’t ikaw kuha mo picture bird ko?
WOMAN: wala, papa-enlarge ko. (pede…pede…hehe)

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Mag-sweetheart habang nanonood ng BFF sa sinehan

sa kalagitnaan ng palabas:

Girl: Sweetheart….may problema yata….
Boy: Wisheart, ano yon? manood na lang tayo….ganda na ng eksena..
Girl: Eh, hindi nga ako makanood, distracted na ako..
Boy: Huh, baket? ano meron?
Girl: eh, kasi…itong katabi ko, horny nah..sobra?
Boy: Huh? papano mo nalaman?
Girl: Eh, kasi…uh, eh….nag ma-maste&b@t3 na siya, eh…
Boy: HUh, ba’t di mo agad sinabi, tara nah, alis na tayo, o lipat tayo…dali
Girl: Teka, sandali, huwag muna….tsk
Boy: Pambihira! ano? baket?
Girl: eh…kasi…gamit niya, kamay ko, eh…:p (toinkz!)

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts themselves. “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth.” The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?” The old lady answers: “We just love the chocolate around them.” Ewwww…yuckkk!! Arrrkkkhh!
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SEXY: Maawa ka! Meron ako, Meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa akin! TITIKMAN KITAA!!
SEXY: WAG! AYYY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog.  (kulet mo kse eh, cnabi ng meron eh, hehe)
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Ina: Di ba sinabi ko, kapag hinipuan ka ng boyfriend mo sa dede, say DONT! At pag sa pepe, say STOP! Eh bakit nabuntis ka pa rin?
Anak: Sabay po kseng hinipo eh, kaya sabi ko DONT STOP!!! atsetse!
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Dalawang misis namamalengke . . . .

Misis1 : (habang hawak ang talong) Alam mo, naalala ko yung “kwan” ng mister ko pag hawak ko tong talong . . .

Misis2 : (napanganga) Aba’y bakit? Ganyan kalaki?

Misis1 : Hinde!.! (hawak pa rin ang talong) Ganyan KAITIM!

Misis2 : (Kumuha ng patatas) Ako naman naalala ko yung balls ng asawa ko pag nakakakita ako ng patatas.

Misis1 : Bakit? Ganyan ba kalaki yung sa mister mo?

Misis2 : Hinde no!?! Ganyan KADUMI!!! whapakkk!
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Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko.
Huling gabi ko na ito, let’s make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas,
buti ikaw, hindi na. (oo nga naman hehe)
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Magkumare nag-chichikahan?
Mare1 : Kinakausap mo ba ang mister mo habang nakikipag-sex ka?
Mare2 : Hindi ah! Pinapatay ko ang celphone ko para di niya ako
matawagan. Toinkz!!!
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Anak: Nay! Dalaga na Ko, may mens na ko..
Nanay: Aber, anong kulay?
Anak: Dark Brown po..
Nanay: Tigilan mo ako Danilo ha! Ebak yan at nde mens! (awww baho)
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Husband: (lasing) darling yung CR natin, parang me multo.
Wife: Bakit?
Husband: Kasi pag binubukasan ko yung pintuan, umiilaw.
Wife: Animal ka! Ikaw pala umiihi sa REF!!!
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Q – Bakit bulaklak ang design ng pant?
A – kasi alay sa mga patay na buhok.
Q – Bakit sa brief wala?
A kasi meron ng nakatirik na kandila.
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Bold show ni Osang:
Paghubad niya ng damit at bra, palakpak at sigawan ang lahat ng kalalakihan.
Paghubad ng panty, tumahimik lahat.

Osang: Anong nangyari sa inyo?
BOY: Hindi kami makapalakpak ng isang kamay lang. (oo nga naman)
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Doctor berates Wife: You are not good in bed!
Then, doctor goes to work, later calls his wife. Eight rings before she answers.
Doctor: What took you so long?
Wife: I’m in bed, getting a second opinion. (arggh)
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A sad story:

A child is jealous of his newborn brother which is always breastfed by their mother. So he puts poison to their mom’s breast. Early in the moring, their driver died! (patay kang driver ka haha!)
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Theme song ng mga kasal na tao:
1 – 10 years: Araw -araw, Gabi – Gabi
11 – 25 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan?
over 26 years: Maalaala Mo kaya? (ngorks!)
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Man raped Woman:
MAN: After 9 months you are going to bear a child and you will name him HERCULES.
WOMAN: After 9 days your penis will bear rashes and you will call it HERPES! (yari ka!)
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3 Vampire’s at the resto:
RICH: Give me fresh blood.
MIDDLE CLASS: Give me dinuguan.
POOR: Hot water lang. (Took out a used Modess). Hirap ng buhay, tsaa na lang ako. (eeeww!)
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Woman: Doc, there’s a bee inside my pussy!
Doctor: ok, i’ll put honey on my dick as bait.
Woman: Doc, why are you pushing up and down?
Doctor: Change of plan, I’ll drown the bee instead.
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A young boy was f*cking the dog when his mom entered the the room. Both stared at each other and not a word was said. Then the boy break the silence and said: “Kesa naman magdrugs ako?” (pede..pede..lol)
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BOY BASTOS: Yaya, pasubok nung ginagawa nyo ng driver natin.
Yaya: Bata ka pa, tumigil ka dyan.
BOY BASTOS: Big boy na ko yaya.
Yaya: Tumigil ka riyan, ha… ahhh ohhh
BOY BASTOS: Eh di itigil…
Yaya: Subukan mong tumigil… tatadyakan kita. (ayos hehe!)
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Guy has kiss mark and need to explain to his wife. When he got home, the dog jumped on him. Aha!
Man: Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Wife: That’s nothing. look what he did to my boobs! (tada!)

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 32,’ is the reply.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,‘I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Devastated by what she hears. The woman asked the old man to do it a couple more times.

But still, he keeps saying 50.

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonald’s.’