Subject: vacuum cleaner
Isang bagong vacuum cleaner salesman ang kumatok
sa pinto ng unang bahay
sa isang barangay.
Isang napakaseksing babae ang nagbukas ng pinto. At
bago pa nakapagsalita ang
babae ay dali-daling pumasok papunta sa sala
ang salesman, binuksan ang malaking plastic bag at
ibinuhos lahat ng lamang tae ng kalabaw sa carpet.
“Misis, kapag hindi nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko
ang mga tae sa carpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa iyan!”, pagyayabang ng salesman.
“Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?” tanong ng babae.
Tanong ng salesman, “Bakit ho?”
“Eh, kalilipat lang namin. Wala pa kaming kuryente.”
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Maid Stories
Pag may ayaw kaming kausapin sa phone or ayaw naming labasin yung
bisita, we ask our maid to say na umalis, minsan naman tulog. Eh,
minsan, harrassed na harrassed na siya because my mom was barking
orders left and right nang mag ring yung phone namin, she answers
in a jiffy…
Maid: Hillow?! (mejo pasigaw na irita ah)
Caller: Pwedeng makausap si …..
Maid: Ay! Naku! wala-umalis-tulog!
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It was raining and I just got back home from school. I saw our
maid na NAKAPAYONG and at the same time NAGDIDILIG NG HALAMAN!
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Phone rings. I pick it up in the living room, and she picks up
the extension in the second floor. I say, “Inday, pakibaba ang
telepono. Dito ko na lang kakausapin si Eric.”
Sagot siya, “Yes, ati!”
Minutes later, while I’m still on the phone, may naririnig akong
kalabog from the stairs. Then I see the maid na pilit hinihila
yung extension phone.
“Ati, ang hirap pala ibaba ng ixtenshun!”
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Inutusan nya yung maid na kunin yung Nescafe (coffee) sa room,
tapos nung bumalik yung maid, dala yung Escape na pabango.
Hahaha!!!
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We had a maid before, she was asked to cook ampalaya. Binalatan
ba naman yung ampalaya! Galit yung daddy ko tuloy. So after
realizing her mistake, sinama nya yung pinagbalatan ng ampalaya sa niluluto
nya. Hehehe!
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One day I asked one of or maids to cover my book. I told her “Uy
mylene, paki balutan naman tong book ko. Here’s the wrapper and
the plastic cover.”
After an hour:
mylene: “Kat, eto na o.”
Tama ba namang gawing regalo na may plastic cover yung book ko?
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Ako: (bago umalis ng bahay) Jem, paki-akyat yung comforter,
maalikabukan dito sa baba.
Jem: Opo Kuya (at least hindi “Wag po koya!”)
Pagdating ng alas 6 ng gabi, nawawala ang computer ko.
Nasa taas.
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Yung tita ko at ang maid nila:
Tita: Paz, may tumawag ba?
Paz: Oho ate
Tita: O, anong sabi?
Paz: Krrriiingg, kkkrriingg, hello?, sino po ito…
(insert detailed conversation here)…ah ok, babay…
Grabe, o di ba accurate message? Pati ring ng phone kuha.
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Holding a pack of Lucky Me pancit canton:
Ate: Alam mo ba lutuin to?
Day: Pano ba yan, Ate?
Ate: Pakuluan mo yung noodles. Pag malambot na alisin mo yung
tubig.
Pagkatapos ihalo mo lahat ng nasa pakete.
(when she returned itim yung pancit)
Ate: Bakit ganito?
Day: Sabi niyo halo ko lahat!
Yung pancit pala may free na Nescafe sachet sa labas!
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One time may tumawag sa bahay tapos tinanong ng Mama kung sino.
Sabi ng maid walang sumagot. Okey fine, so tinanong ni Mama kung
ano ang number. Look ang maid sa caller ID, sinabi niya,
“Ate, 1234 po ang number ng tumawag.”
Natural, high pitch ang mama, “Ano?”
“Sandali po Ate, titignan ko ulit.”
(Maya-maya…) “Ate, nagbago na ang number 1235 na po ngayon.”
Tinignan ng mama kung ano ang tinitignan niya. Yun pala, yung
oras.
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One time, sinama namin ng husband yung maid namin sa Takayama.
We wanted to try kasi yung dinner buffet nila so get naman ng
food yung maid namin sa buffet. I saw her getting several pieces of
california maki. Later nakita ko hinihimay nya yung maki and
kinain lang niya yung rice tapos sabi sa kin “Bakit may electric tape ‘to?”
sabay taas nung seaweed.
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Minsan, namalengke si mama at yung katulong…
Mama: Ofel, iligpit mo na yung mga pinamili natin
Ofel: Opo.
Mama: Bilisan mo at marami pa tayong lulutuin
Ofel: Ate, saan po ilalagay to, sa altar?
Mama: Ano ba yon?
Ofel: Ito po Ate.
She was holding a cauliflower.
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Maid is cleaning Bro’s room. Bro enters wearing only a towel,
kakaligo lang. Maid starts to walk out of room.
Bro: Neng, isara mo ang pinto.
Maid turns around with tears in her eyes:
Maid: Koya, h’wag po!!!
Bro: Gagah! Paglabas mo ng kwarto!!!
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Beauty Contest
The SETTING:
Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion.
The FINALISTS :
Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Britain
Miss Philippines
Miss Iran
Miss India
QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. AMERICA: Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
Ms. AMERICA: Because it stands every time it sees a woman…..
(Applause!…. Applause!)
QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
Ms. SPAIN: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.
(Applause!… Applause!)
QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean actors.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
Ms. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause!… Applause!)
QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. IRAN: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION: And why do you say that?
Ms. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back door…..
(Applause!… Applause!)
QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a laborer.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
Ms. INDIA: Because it works day and night….
(Applause!… Applause!)
QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. PHILIPPINES: Ahh…well, opcors, hihihihi…I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis…
QUESTION: Chismis???
Ms. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry… Its ano, ahh kuwan…it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION: Hmm… Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
Ms. PHILIPPINES: Ayy… dyahe! Hihihihihi! Kasi…I mean… because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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Ang Bangka
Sa bayan ng Santa Mesa, mayroong magkapatid na kambal na ang apilyido ay Cruz. Si Juan ay me asawa at si Jose naman ay wala.
Yung kapatid na walang asawa ay me-me-ari nang isang sira-sirang bangka, at yung asawa naman ni Juan Cruz ay kamamatay lamang.
Kasabay naman ng pagyaon ng asawa ni Juan ay napuno ng tubig ang bangka ni Jose at ito ay lumubog.
Pagkaraan ng ilang araw, isang nagmamagandang loob na matandang ale ang nakasalubong ni Jose sa isang tindahan, at siya ay napagkamalang si Juan.
Ang sabi ng matanda, “Oh, Mister Cruz, nabalitaan ko ang masamang pangyayari sa inyo at ako ay nakikiramay sa inyong pagkawala, napakasama siguro ng inyong pakiramdam.”
Ang sagot naman nitong si Jose ay “ Hindi ho ako nalulungkot, sira na talaga yung ilalim niya matagal na.”
“Palagi na lang nangangamoy bulok na isda, at pati na nung una ko siyang sinakyan, mabilis pa siyang mabasa sa kahit na anong bagay na nakita ko. Naku, napakasama na talaga ng kanyang biyak sa harap at yung butas sa likod ay lalong lumalaki tuwing ginagamit ko. Hindi ko na talaga siya matiis. Pero ganito ho talaga ang nangyari kaya siya nawala….
Meroong apat na lalake na gustong rumenta sa kanya, sinabi ko na sa kanila na hindi siya maganda at meroon siyang problema, pero mapilit pa rin sila at gusto daw nilang subukan siya muna. Ayun, sinakyan nilang apat at bigla na lang siyang nabiyak sa gitna………”
Hindi pa nakakatapos si Jose, biglang hinimatay yung aleng kausap niya.
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Isang Kahilingan
Itong si Juan naglalakad sa baybay at nakapulot siya ng isang lampara, nang pagpagin ni Juan ang buhangin, me lumabas na isang Genie. “Gagantimpalaan kita ng isang kahilingan” ang sabi ng Genie sa kanya, eh medyo me kalibugan itong si Juan, hindi nagdalawang isip at hiningi niya kaagad ang kanyang gantimpala. “Gusto ko ng titing umaabot sa lupa!”
Ayun pinutol ng Genie yung mga paa niya!!!!!!
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Problema sa Health
Me tatlong matatandang nagkukuwentuhan kung sino sa kanila ang me pinakamasamang problema sa health. Sabi nung 70 anos, “Ako tuwing 7:30 ng umaga kailangan kong bumangon para umihi, pero isang oras ako sa banyo dahil patak-patak lang lumabas yung ihi ko.”
“Walang sinabi yan,” sabi nung 80 anos, “Tuwing 8:30 ng umaga kailangan kong tumae, pero mahigit isang oras ako sa banyo dahil lagi akong tinitibe (constipation) , napakasama talaga!”
Sabi naman nung 90 anos, “Kayong mga kabataan, akala ninyo me problema kayo! Tuwing 7:30 ng umaga umiihi akong parang kabayo, at tuwing 8:30 ng umaga naman, tumatae akong parang baboy. Ang problema ko 9:30 na ako nagigising!”
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Ang Litrato ni Pidro
Itong si Pidro na nasa “Nudist Camp” nakatanggap ng sulat galing sa kanyang nanay na humuhingi ng isang litrato. Eh yung litrato lang niya ay yung nakahubad siya, kaya ginupit niya ito sa gitna at ipinadala yung mula bewang hanggang itaas sa kanyang ina.
Makaraan ng ilang linggo, sumulat ulit yung ina, “Puwede bang padalhan mo rin yung Lola mo ng Litrato” ang hiling sa sulat. Malabo naman ang paningin ng Lola, ang isip ni Pidro, padadala ko na lang yung kalahate.
Nung matanggap ng Lola yung litrato sumulat ito ke Pidro, “Salamat sa magandang litrato mo, pero bakit ka nagpakulot?
Nagmumukang mahaba tuloy yung ilong mo!”
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TENNIS ELBOW
Isang araw nagrereklamo itong si Ramon sa isang kaibigan na masakit ang kanyang braso, at yung kanyang siko ay lagi siyang binibigyan nang problema. Ang payo naman ng kaibigan ay ipatingin niya sa doktor. Sagot naman ni Ramon ay bakit siya magbabayad ng $50.00 sa doktor para lang sabihin sa kanya na meron siyang “Tennis Elbow” na ang pagkaalam niyang problema
niya.
Sabi ng kaibigan sa kanya ay hindi niya kailangang magbayad ng $50.00 kung ayaw niya. Magpunta na lang siya duon sa drugstore at meron silang bagong computerized doktor machine. Hindi makapaniwala itong si Ramon na meron ngang machine na ganito. Sabi ng kaibigan ay umihi ka lang sa isang maliit na baso, ilagay mo sa loob ng machine, maghulog ka ng 50 sentimos, at sasabihin na sa iyo ng machine kung ano ang problema mo. Hindi pa rin makapaniwala itong si Ramon kaya pinuntahan nila ng kaibigan niya itong drugstore. Pagdating doon, umihi siya sa isang maliit na baso, inilagay niya sa loob ng computerized doktor machine,
nagdiposito ng 50 sentimos at nagantay. Makaraan ng isang minuto ito ang lumabas….
Longs Drugstore
Meron kang
“TENNIS ELBOW”
Bilib bigla itong si Ramon…nagtataka; pero bilib pa rin. Kinagabihan, hindi siya makatulog sa kakaisip duon sa machine, at kung gaano talaga kagaling. Kinabukasan, merong plano itong si Ramon, pina-ihi niya yung asawa niya sa baso pati yung anak niyan dalagita. Nagbate siya at pinalabas niya rin sa baso, kinuha niya yung oil dipstick ng kanyang kotse at ito ang
ipinanghalo. Nagbalik siya duon sa drugstore, inilagay yung baso sa machine, nagdeposito ng 50 sentimos, at nagantay.
“Tingnan natin kung gaano ka talaga kagaling!!” ang hiyaw ni Ramon.
Pagkaraan ng ilang minuto ito ang lumabas….
Longs Drugstore
Yung asawa mo me
“HERPES”
Yung anak mong dalaga
“BUNTES”
Yung kotse mo kailangan ng
“TUNE-UP”
At kung hindi ka titigil sa kakabate
hindi mawawala yang
“TENNIS ELBOW”
mo!!!
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Hello,
Help!
“Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!”
“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”
“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”
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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
“Take me now or climb the ladder to success,” she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6’8″ hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, “Who are you?”
The biker answers, “I’m Cess.”
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A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddad had died.
The father assures the son that granddad is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddad dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared
for his life – he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk for safety. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning”.
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A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
“Why, officer?” asks the blonde.
“Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.”
“Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I left my baby on the bus!”
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
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The Parrot
Mrs. Day’s dishwasher quit working so she calls a
repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she
tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail
you the check. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bull
dog, Spike; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, DO
NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Day’s apartment the
next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest bull dog he
has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there
on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer
and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
