websaytko.com – raredog’s chronicle

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts themselves. “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth.” The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?” The old lady answers: “We just love the chocolate around them.” Ewwww…yuckkk!! Arrrkkkhh!
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SEXY: Maawa ka! Meron ako, Meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa akin! TITIKMAN KITAA!!
SEXY: WAG! AYYY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog.  (kulet mo kse eh, cnabi ng meron eh, hehe)
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Ina: Di ba sinabi ko, kapag hinipuan ka ng boyfriend mo sa dede, say DONT! At pag sa pepe, say STOP! Eh bakit nabuntis ka pa rin?
Anak: Sabay po kseng hinipo eh, kaya sabi ko DONT STOP!!! atsetse!
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Dalawang misis namamalengke . . . .

Misis1 : (habang hawak ang talong) Alam mo, naalala ko yung “kwan” ng mister ko pag hawak ko tong talong . . .

Misis2 : (napanganga) Aba’y bakit? Ganyan kalaki?

Misis1 : Hinde!.! (hawak pa rin ang talong) Ganyan KAITIM!

Misis2 : (Kumuha ng patatas) Ako naman naalala ko yung balls ng asawa ko pag nakakakita ako ng patatas.

Misis1 : Bakit? Ganyan ba kalaki yung sa mister mo?

Misis2 : Hinde no!?! Ganyan KADUMI!!! whapakkk!
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Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko.
Huling gabi ko na ito, let’s make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas,
buti ikaw, hindi na. (oo nga naman hehe)
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Magkumare nag-chichikahan?
Mare1 : Kinakausap mo ba ang mister mo habang nakikipag-sex ka?
Mare2 : Hindi ah! Pinapatay ko ang celphone ko para di niya ako
matawagan. Toinkz!!!
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Anak: Nay! Dalaga na Ko, may mens na ko..
Nanay: Aber, anong kulay?
Anak: Dark Brown po..
Nanay: Tigilan mo ako Danilo ha! Ebak yan at nde mens! (awww baho)
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Husband: (lasing) darling yung CR natin, parang me multo.
Wife: Bakit?
Husband: Kasi pag binubukasan ko yung pintuan, umiilaw.
Wife: Animal ka! Ikaw pala umiihi sa REF!!!
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Q – Bakit bulaklak ang design ng pant?
A – kasi alay sa mga patay na buhok.
Q – Bakit sa brief wala?
A kasi meron ng nakatirik na kandila.
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Bold show ni Osang:
Paghubad niya ng damit at bra, palakpak at sigawan ang lahat ng kalalakihan.
Paghubad ng panty, tumahimik lahat.

Osang: Anong nangyari sa inyo?
BOY: Hindi kami makapalakpak ng isang kamay lang. (oo nga naman)
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Doctor berates Wife: You are not good in bed!
Then, doctor goes to work, later calls his wife. Eight rings before she answers.
Doctor: What took you so long?
Wife: I’m in bed, getting a second opinion. (arggh)
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A sad story:

A child is jealous of his newborn brother which is always breastfed by their mother. So he puts poison to their mom’s breast. Early in the moring, their driver died! (patay kang driver ka haha!)
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Theme song ng mga kasal na tao:
1 – 10 years: Araw -araw, Gabi – Gabi
11 – 25 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan?
over 26 years: Maalaala Mo kaya? (ngorks!)
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Man raped Woman:
MAN: After 9 months you are going to bear a child and you will name him HERCULES.
WOMAN: After 9 days your penis will bear rashes and you will call it HERPES! (yari ka!)
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3 Vampire’s at the resto:
RICH: Give me fresh blood.
MIDDLE CLASS: Give me dinuguan.
POOR: Hot water lang. (Took out a used Modess). Hirap ng buhay, tsaa na lang ako. (eeeww!)
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Woman: Doc, there’s a bee inside my pussy!
Doctor: ok, i’ll put honey on my dick as bait.
Woman: Doc, why are you pushing up and down?
Doctor: Change of plan, I’ll drown the bee instead.
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A young boy was f*cking the dog when his mom entered the the room. Both stared at each other and not a word was said. Then the boy break the silence and said: “Kesa naman magdrugs ako?” (pede..pede..lol)
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BOY BASTOS: Yaya, pasubok nung ginagawa nyo ng driver natin.
Yaya: Bata ka pa, tumigil ka dyan.
BOY BASTOS: Big boy na ko yaya.
Yaya: Tumigil ka riyan, ha… ahhh ohhh
BOY BASTOS: Eh di itigil…
Yaya: Subukan mong tumigil… tatadyakan kita. (ayos hehe!)
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Guy has kiss mark and need to explain to his wife. When he got home, the dog jumped on him. Aha!
Man: Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Wife: That’s nothing. look what he did to my boobs! (tada!)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 32,’ is the reply.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,‘I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Devastated by what she hears. The woman asked the old man to do it a couple more times.

But still, he keeps saying 50.

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonald’s.’

SI DAN TAGA BICOL

Dumating si Dan sa Amerika sa tulong ng kanyang Kumpare na may
kontak sa immigration sa Pilipinas.
Medyo tagilid ang papeles niya kaya masyado siyang maingat (TNT baga).
Ayaw man lang lumabas ng bahay si Dan kung hindi kasama ang kanyang
kumpare.

E minsan, nagsawa na ang kanyang kumpare sa kaaalalay sa kanya.
“Pareng Dan,” sabi ng kumpareng tinatago ang inis, “Heto ang susi ng
kotse at mga credit cards ko. Magshopping ka naman sa Mall para malibang ka.”
“Kung may problema ka, tawagan mo ako sa telepono. Papasok na ako sa
opisina.” Dahil siguro sa hiya ni Dan, kahit nerbiyos na nerbiyos siya,
sinubukan niyang lumabas. Tuwang-tuwa si Dan sa pamamasyal sa mall.
Nakapili siya ng mga damit na gusto niya. Ngunit pagdating sa cashier,biglang
nataranta at natakot si Dan.

Tanong ng cashier,
“Visa or Master Card?”

Haripas si Dan palabas dahit sa takot! “Aba, hinahanap ang visa ko!?
Baka nabisto na ako! Syet!” Sakay kaagad siya sa kanyang kotse.
Harurot.

Kaso, halos wala ng gas ang sasakyan kaya huminto siya sa isang gas
station. Nang maglalagay na siya ng gas, biglang nagsalita ang
cashier sa speaker, “Sir, pay first, please.”

“Naku, patay! Papers daw! Hinahanap ang papers ko!”
Nagtatakbo si Dan sa mga eski-eskinita hanggang makakita siya ng pay
phone. Patago-tago siyang lumapit sa payphone.

“(Hingal) Kailangang matawagan … ko si kumpare…para masundo
niya ako rito (hingal).”
Pagtaas niya ng handle ng telepono, narinig niya, “AT&T how can I
help you?”

Aba, anak ng putakteh, alam na TNT ako! Buking na ako!”
Pagbaba niya ng telepono, may Amerikanong nakatayo sa likod niya,
tanong ba naman, “Are you done?”

Napahandusay si Dan sa phone booth. Biglang bulalas, “Buray kan ina!, alam pa
ang pangalan ko!”

Nagulat ang tisoy, “Hey, be cool, man!”
“Naku! Alam pa kung taga saan ako!”
“Is that your green car parked in the red zone?”

Hihimatayin na si Dan! “Hinahanapan pa ako ng green card”!!!!!
Kaya sa matinding takot, nagpahuli na lang si Dan. Ngayon si Dan ay
nasa Bicol na muli at binansagan na “Dan Balikbayan.”