A Day in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon…
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here…you a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca…we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie – you’re already dead remember?
Guy: Wow…that’s…awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever… If you go Bankrupt…well you’re dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…
Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose – that’s right – you’re dead – who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you’re really gonna hate Fridays.
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Mister: Alam mo mahal, ako na ang pangalawang pinakaswerteng tao sa buong mundo!
Misis: Eh sino naman ung Una!!!
Mister: Ikaw!
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Street Vendor : “bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito! pag
namuti, white gold! pag huminto stopwatch!”
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gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at
dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!
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use violet in a sentence…
“oh no! i lost my ballpen .. pero ok lang.. i’ll violet.” hehehe
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couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay.
tinanong niya wife niya kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay.
so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!
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“SUMPA”
Ang huling bumasa nito ay hindi na uli makakatikim ng masarap na ‘Sex’ !
Safe na ‘ko! Ikaw bahala ka na sa sarili mo hehehe….
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Sa isang barberya, sinabihan ng barbero si Mang Tomas, “Boss, isubo n’yo itong maliit na bola para bumukol sa pisngi ninyo at mas pulido at madali ang pag-ahit.”
Tumalima si Mang Tomas. Pagkatapos ng ahitan, iniluwa ni Mang Tomas ang bola, “Okey ‘to, ah?! Pero paano pag nalunok ko?”
Sagot ng barbero, “Ibalik mo kinabukasan pag naitae mo na tulad ng ginagawa ng ibang kustomer.”
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question: paano mo malalaman kung ang nagluto ng hotdog ay bakla?
answer: lasang tae yun hot dog.
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Tatay: naku… bakla ata tong anak ko… tsk tsk…
nanay: pano mo naman nasabi?!
tatay: basta… mukang lalambot lambot eh.
lumapit ang anak
anak: tay, bilihan mo naman ako ng kotse kotsehan
natuwa si tatay
tatay: aba, sige! honey, mukang mahilig sa kotse to paglaki, hindi to magiging bakla. teka anak aanhin mo naman ang kotse kotsehan?
anak: tay, sasakay ko si Barbie.
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patient: doc kailangan ko masuka pero hindi ako masuka eh, ano po ba kailangan gawin?
doc: dutdutin mo iyong lalamunan mo gamit daliri mo.
patient: doc, ayaw pa rin eh.
doc: dutdutin mo puwet mo gamit daliri mo.
patient: doc ayaw pa rin eh.
doc: dutdutin mo ulit lalamunan mo gamit daliri mo. ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka pa masuka.
hehe.
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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus
and one of them was smoking a
cigarette. It started to rain, so the
old lady reached into her purse, took
out a condom, cut off the tip and
slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey
that’s a good idea! But, what is that
thing you put over your cigarette?”
The other old lady said, “It’s a
condom.”
“A condom? Where do you get those?”
The lady with the cigarette told her
friend that you could purchase condoms
at the pharmacy. When the two old
ladies arrived downtown, the old lady
with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and
asked the pharmacist if he sold
condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but
looked a little surprised that this old
woman was interested in condoms, so he
asked her, “What size do you want?”
The old lady thought for a minute and
said, “One that will fit a Camel.”
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Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
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Job interview….
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
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Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya….
Jorge: Ano’ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos ‘yung kabayo!
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Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
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Dalawang holdaper sa bangko….
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
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Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma’am, library po!
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Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado ‘yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
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After 50 years….
Urbana: Mare, how’s your sexlife?
Dolores: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.
Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.
Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?
Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
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GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna… hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka… Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!
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dalawang tanga naguusap;
boy 1: tol, nakakita ka na ba ng elepanteng nagtatago sa gilid ng kalsada?
boy 2: tol, hindi pa, bakit ikaw nakakita na ba?
boy 1: tanga, panu ko makikita yun eh nagtatago nga!!
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Baldo : Pare lagyan mo nga ako ng tatoo..
Jun : Bakit pare??
Baldo : Pare madalas kasi akong mapagkamalan na bading eh..
Jun : Ganon ba? sige saang parte ng katawan mo kita lalagyan ng tatoo?
Baldo : sa kilay na lang!! para mataray!!! dabah??!!
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Misis : Hoy animal!!! sino tong “baby” na nagtetext sayo???!!
Mister : ah, eh, kumpare ko, lalaki yan baby lang ang pangalan…
Misis : o replyan mo!! hindi raw kayo matutuloy, may mens daw siya!!
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Anak : Inay!! uminom po ako ng baygon!!!
Inay : Bakit??!! magpapakamatay ka ba??!!
Anak : hindi po!! nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis eh…
Inay : Tanga!!! iinom ka ng gamot, eh hindi ka pa naglalunch!!!!
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Neneng : Inay mag aasawa na po ako, kay juan na katrabaho ko…
Inay : huwag anak!! mukhan malaki ari nun baka hindi mo kayanin
Neneng : hindi ho inay!! sinukat ko na po… kasya nga eh!!!
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Ilaw
anak: Daddy kumakain ka ba ng ilaw?
daddy: Hindi naman kinakain ang ilaw anak e. Bakit mo naman natanong?
anak: kasi narinig ko kasi kagabi sinabi mo kay inday, ling, patayin mo na yang ilaw at kakainin ko na yan.
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Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!
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Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
Inay: Bakit naman?
Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?
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Sa Sabungan pag may dalang Manok libre ang entrance.
Si Juan, para makalibre nagdala ng inahin
Bantay : Bakt inahin dala mo?
Juan : May laban anak nya, Moral Support!
Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?
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A lizard fell on a table.
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!
Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!
Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?
Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!
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Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula
ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging
anak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.
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Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!
Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!
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Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in
Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice Cream?
Akala ko kasi, softdrinks.
Kasi, sabi nya, “Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!”
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A priest at a church.
Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!
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Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin,
kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip
ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!
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Nurse: Miss, gising na!
Patient: Ah, bakit?
Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
Patient: Anong gamot?
Nurse: Sleeping pills.
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Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.
Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.
Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.
Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!
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Erap at Starbucks.
Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!
================================
Sa prusisyon.
Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni
Mama Mary.
Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!
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