An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
“So he’s in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.” “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man said. “Exactly,” replies the Doc.
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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Pinoy got captured by cannibals. The Chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we’ll eat you, and then we’ll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.” The Frenchman says,
“I take the sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying “God Save the Queen!”, and blows his brains out. The Pinoy says “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The Pinoy takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over; the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere.
There’s blood gushing all over the place, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “God almighty, what are you doing?” The Pinoy sneers and says, “So much for your canoe, you stupid dork!”
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Q. What’s the difference between a p3nis and a prick?
A. A p3nis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
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A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 roll of toiletpaper
1 frozen dinner
1 can of pop
1 box of cereal
The woman behind the counter says, “so you are single huh?” The man replies very sarcastically, “Why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?” The woman replies, “no, because you are ugly.”
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A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they’ve had sex, he turns to her and asks, ”So, how was I?” She says, ”Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
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Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
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This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.” The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!” The second bull is to be sold, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.” Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s 10 times a month. What do you say to that?” Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!” The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?” The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”
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The train was traveling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked “Would you let me f*ck you for a dollar?” “Certainly not!” exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said “Would you let me f*ck you for a million dollars?” After a brief pause, the woman replied “yes, I suppose I would.” Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked “Would you let me f*ck you for five dollars?” “Certainly not!” replied the young woman, getting angry now “What kind of girl do you take me for?” “We’ve already established that” replied the man, “We’re just haggling over the price!”
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her pvssy. The woman started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a bee in my pvssy!” The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s pvssy. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my p3nis and insert it into your wife’s pvssy. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my p3nis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my p3nis out of your wife’s pvssy The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.” So the doctor, after covering the tip of his p3nis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s pvssy. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That’s right,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. “Yes,” the woman says, “you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.” “That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
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Who Said That?
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions correctly can leave early today!
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and
will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”
Johnny: “Mam it’s BILL CLINTON!!!. CAN I GO NOW?”
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Train Ride
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.” The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
