How should COFFEE and your BOYFRIEND be alike?
1) He has to be rich
2) He has to be hot
3) He has to keep you up all night!
HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib,
approved agad ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana ang bird mo para may dagdag -
disability benefits.
ANAK: ‘Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner ‘yun. Pag dito tayo
kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a
wooden chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!
Two married men talking…
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.>
Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ‘S’ sa mga sinasabi mo
ha! Ano ba ang ulam?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng ” cooling place ” ?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo ” Hilow, hus cooling
place?
A man wanted to buy bra for his wife but doesn’t know the size.
Salesgirl ask : ” Is it as big as papaya ? ”
Man replied : ” No ”
Salesgirl : ” an apple ”
Man : ” No ”
Salesgirl : ” ahh..an egg ? ”
Man : ” YES , but fried ! ”
Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh!
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya!
A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says,
“Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative
sentence can have me for tonight.”
So the White guy says “I love liver and cheese.”
She says “That’s not good enough”
The Black man says “I hate liver and cheese”
She says “That’s not creative”
Finally, the Filipino says “Liver alone, cheese mine!”
How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it.
If the cat likes it…rat!
If it doesn’t…cat!
If it runs…dog!
What’s the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption
in the Philippines?
In the US, they go to jail.
In the Philippines, they go to US!
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy – hulugan!
Pag Bumbay – 5-6!
Pag Kano – credit card!
E pag Intsik – C.O.D.!!!!
Lulubog na ang barko…
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose…
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara…
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
Man: Kung hindi man ako makaligtas sa operasyong ito, ikaw na ang bahala sa mga bata.
Wife: Heh! Tumigil ka nga dyan! Kung bakit naman kase kung kelan tatlo na ang anak naten e saka ka magpapatule!
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor
is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.
All his professionallism goes right out the window…
He tells her to take her pants off, she does,
and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.
The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks,
“Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table,
gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her,
“Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpes – thats why I am here!”
Mag-asawang nag uusap sa sala….
Babae: Hon kung mamamatay ako mag-aasawa ka pa ba uli?
Lalaki: Ewan ko hon hindi ko alam.
Babae: Ba’t di mo alam?! Naku madali lang naman ang sagot niya ah oo
or hindi lang naman! So ano? mag-aasawa kaba uli o hindi?
sabihin muna sakin honey…plssss
Lalaki: Hindi ko nga alam kung anong isasagot ko..
kasi pag sinabi kung OO magagalit ka…
pag sinabi ko naman na HINDI magagalit si Inday….hehehe
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished .”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.” Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”. She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”
During my laid-back days of the 80’s I used to be a binged drinker. Together with my old school posse, we would pick a certain drink and named our group after the brand. It would be the 
