Laughter in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

______________________________________

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Joketime 121

A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.

 

Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”

 

Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”

 

The man does so and the doctor grabs his penis.

 

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

 

Patient: “55.”

 

The doctor then grabs his balls.

 

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

 

Patient: “55.”

 

Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.

 

The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.

 

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

 

Patient: “1…..2……3…..” (hehehe)

 

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Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang

takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

 

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

 

Pedro: Totoo!

 

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

 

Pedro: Asin!

 

wapakkkk!!!

 

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MRS: Lasing ka na naman?!

MR: Sorry, hon. Inimbita ako ng mga officemates ko. Konting inuman.

MRS: Tange! Anong officemate? Tricycle driver ka, ogag! kaboom!!!

 

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Heinekken.

 

The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Heinekken, don’t you like it?

 

The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Heinekken and blew chunks.

 

The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”.

 

You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

 

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PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo?

 

JUAN: Pata!

 

PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?

 

JUAN; PATAgalan ng kwento! hihihi:-)

 

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Balak mag-123 sa restaurant si Juan.

 

Manager: Hoy! San ka pupunta? Di

kapa bayad ah.

Juan: wala po akong pera.

Manager: Waiter bigyan mo ito ng

isa pang buong fried chicken.

hahaha… pag inuna mo ang leeg,

sasakalin kita. pag hita, lulumpuhin

kita. pag pakpak, pingkaw ka. pag

pitso, durog ang dibdib mo. lahat

ng gawin mo sa manok gagawin ko

sau.

 

nag isip si juan at bigla nya sinipsip ang puwet ng manok…..

 

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KABIT: kelan mo hihiwalayan ang asawa mo?

 

MISTER: ngayon na. paguwi ko

 

KABIT: talaga?

 

MISTER: oo. sure na sure na. wala nang makakapag-pigil sakin. ikaw kasi ang mahal ko at sawa nako sa kanya. sasabihin ko ayoko na

 

nagmamadaling umuwi si mister sa bahay

 

MISTER: kelangan natin mag-usap, may sasabihin ako sayo

 

MISIS: ako rin may sasabihin

 

MISTER: importante yung sakin

 

MISIS: yung akin din

 

MISTER: hindi mo naiintindihan… ayoko…

 

MISIS: nanalo ako sa lotto 70million! ano yung sasabihin mo?? sabi mo ayoko

 

MISTER: aa… ayokong… mawalay sayo. i love you (wehhh di nga??? hehe)

 

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Teacher: What do you want to become?

 

Johnny: Doctor !!

 

Teacher: Why?

 

Johnny: Coz its the only one profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. (korek ka jan hehe)

 

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Ni-rape si Inday

Maid: Ma’m, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi…

Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?

Maid: Eh, akala ko po kase si Sir, pero nung dumalawang round, nagduda na po ako!

acheche!!

 

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Nanay sinisermunan ang anak

Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?

Anak: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, ‘tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.’nyekkk!!

Things a naked man doesn’t wanna hear

Things a naked man doesn’t wanna hear during his first date with a girl.

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn’t know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won’t take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where’s the rest of it?

Is there something on your mind you that you want to add to the list? 😆