joketime 111

Pedro:  Pare, ikaw ba’y naniniwala sa safe sex?

Juan  :  Aba , oo naman!

Pedro:  Pare, wais ka talaga! Paano mo ginagawa sa partner mo?

Juan  :  Sinisiguro ko na wala ang mister niya!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Sa isang restaurant:

PAENG     : Hot tea, please.

TEMYONG:  : Ako rin, hot tea. Make sure malinis ang baso.

Pagkaraan ng limang minuto:

WAITER   : Order n’yo, dalawang hot tea.
           Kanino nga ‘yung malinis ang baso?

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PEDRO:  Ano ang mas mahalaga, pera o asawa?

JUAN:  Syempre, pera! Kasi, ang pera, habang tumatagal, lumalaki ang

interes. Samantalang ang asawa, habang tumatagal,

nawawalan ka ng interes,tapos,inuubos pa ang pera mo

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
TACIO  :  Ano ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman mo kung matanda ka na?

PEDRO: :  Yung paggising mo sa umaga, tapos, pagtingin mo sa tagiliran mo,
matanda rin ang iyong katabi
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
GREAT FACTS:

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the

other person is the husband.
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JUNIOR: Inay! Bibili po ako ng HIGH CAKE!

INAY:   Hindi iyon high cake, anak HOT CAKE!

UNIOR:  Kahit ano pa siya, pahingi na lang po ng barya!

INAY:   Kumuha ka na lang sa SOLDIER BAG ko!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

MISTER: Isa sa mga bata ang kumuha ng pera sa pitaka ko!

MISIS   : Sobra ka! Ba’t mo pinagbibintangan ang mga bata? Malay mo, ako?!

MISTER: Siguradong hindi ikaw! Kasi, may natira!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I heard that cockroaches can live 9 days without a head. THAT’s NOTHING!

Pinoys can stay in Congress and Senate for 9 years without brains! OUCH!

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MISTER: Alam mo, kahit lasing akong umuwi, hindi naman ako maingay.

MISIS: Hindi ka nga maingay, pero ‘yung dalawang bumuhat sa ‘yo,
       maingay!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Sa tindahan ni Aling Nena:

Ely: (pasigaw) Pabili po ng SAFEGUARD!!!

Aling Nena: (galit na sumigaw rin) Huwag kang sumigaw riyan! Hindi ako

            bingi! Anong SIM CARD?! Globe o Smart?!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
William: Absent ako kahapon, kasi, nakunan ang nanay ko at ako ang
         naiwan

Titser  :  Speak English because this is an English class.

William: I was absent yesterday because my mother was subtraction and I
was the remainder!

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Sa psychiatric ward

Nars       : Nasa isip mo ba ang pamilya mo?

Pasyente: Oo naman! Syempre!

Nars       : (natuwa) Nasaan na ba ang pamilya mo?

Pasyente: Nasa isip ko nga, eh! Tanga ka ba?!

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MARTHA:  Mare, pwede ba, dito muna ako sa inyo? Lumayas ako sa amin.
Kasi, buntis ako.

GUADA :  Dapat, sa taong nakabuntis sa ‘yo ka pumunta!

MARTHA:  Kaya nga rito ako pumunta, eh. Nandiyan ba si pare?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Host         : What is your edge over the other contestants?

Contestant: My edge is… 21 years old.

Host         : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Contestant: I’ll be 31.

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THEY’RE FINALLY TOGETHER ….

She married and had 13 children. 

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.  

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. 

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

‘Lord, they’re finally together.’

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

‘Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?’ 

The friend replied,

‘I think he means her legs.’

Amen.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A doctor is going about his business,
with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days
activities, when a co-worker asks
why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer,
looks at it and exclaims:
“Damn, some asshole has my pen!”

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Via email

Author: raredog

I'm a guy who has passion on computers, internet, and motorcycles. I'm also into photography and trike drifting. See you around!

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