One Liners

One-Liners

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

8 ) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

9) If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On

my desk, I have a work station.

15) I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

16) How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17) I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

27) I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

31) Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

35) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.

37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

38) I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

40) Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan, me STIFF NECK! 😀

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Doc: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?

Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh!!!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

May nagpapa-translate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog: “Emergency Exit”

ang sabi ko, “MADALING LABASAN…? Tama ba? Parang bastos ata.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Lalake: Pag tayo na, magkasama na nating haharapin ang mga problema.

Babae: Pero wala naman akong problema..

Lalake: Kasi nga, hindi pa tayo. Wag ka excited!!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Sa Sauna:

Sa Hospital…

Attendant: Sir, gusto mo ng tirafi?

Guest: Anong tirafi? Baka therapy?

Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you tira me, you give me fee. uki?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Mr: Hon, buksan mo ang pinto!

Mrs: Sori, hindi pwede. Wala akong suot.

Mr.. (tumawa) ok lang. Wala akong kasama.

Mrs: Ako, meron!

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Tip for a long life:

Wag mo isusulat name mo sa condolence book pag dumalaw ka sa patay. Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nagkakaron ng raffle kung sinong susunod….. .

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Guro: Pedro late kana naman..

Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko.

Guro: Problema ba yun. E di i-advance mo.

Pedro: Sige po.

Guro: Oh, saan ka pupunta?

Boy: uwian na po!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!

Mr: Anong ABS?

Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!

Mr: Eh ikaw CBN!

Mrs: CBN?

Mr: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.

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May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:

Guy 1: Pre, doctor ako.. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako! Ikaw pre?

Guy 2: Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako.

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Bakit binaril ng bobo ang girlfriend nya?

Kasi sinubukan nya kung totoong FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Pasahero: Mama, dahan-dahan lang po. Alalahanin nyo na palaging nakasunod sa atin ang disgrasya!

Drayber: E, kaya ko nga binibilisan para di tayo abutan!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

(sa isang turo-turo):

Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!

Tindera: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo….manok?

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Tom: Alam mo pare, my new wife is a sex object!

Jerry: Wow! Maganda pala ang napangasawa mo pre!

Tom: Hindi naman. But everytime I want to have sex, she objects!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

PO 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!

SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K10,
hindi na sila aso

PO 1: Ano na sila sir?

SUPT: maliit na pusa…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Anak: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.

Nanay: Sige, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

A husband asked his wife, “What do you like most in me, my macho face or my sexy body?

The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor”.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Russian: Sir, we got huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.

Putin: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

A guy picks up a girl for a date.

“Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?

Girl: I promised mom that I wouldn’t let you touch me below my belt..

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Via: Email

Got Jokes? Share it here at websaytko.com! 😆

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Boy 1: Utol, ba’t ka umiiyak?
Boy 2: Sinapak ako ng batang kalaro ko kanina.
Boy 1: Makikilala mo pa ba ang mukha niya?
Boy 2: Oo, sa katunayan, nasa bulsa ko pa yung isang tenga nya.
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Maraming matutuklasan sa lasa ng muta:
Pag mapait: may deprensya ka sa puso.
Pag maasim: may deprensya ka sa bituka.
Pag matamis: may deprensya ka sa balumbalunan.
Pag tinikman mo: may deprensya ka sa ulo!
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Nagkasunog sa Malacanang.
PSG: Sir, dito na po kayo lumabas sa fire exit.
Erap: Bat mo ko diyan padadaanin e labasan yan ng apoy!
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Erap: Chavit, wala ka bang naaamoy?
Chavit: Wala naman a, anong amoy ba?
Erap: Parang may amoy bulok.
Chavit: Ganyan talaga yan. Malapit kasi ang ilong mo sa bibig mo e.
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Erap: (crying) Tumawag ang doktor… Mom’s dead!
Zamora: Condolence, sir.
(After 2 minutes, Zamora hears Erap crying even louder)
Zamora: What’s wrong now?
Erap: My sister just called. Her mom died too!
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General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.
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Amo: Inday, pagdating ng buyer ng bahay, sabihin mo nagse-second thought pa kami ng sir mo.
Maid: Upu Mam!Later…
Buyer: Saan ang amo mo?
Maid: Si Sir po at si Mam eh nagsisikentut pa pu.
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Erap buying chewing gum sa 711.
Erap: Etong bayad!
Cashier: Etong sukli nyo sir.
Erap: Ha? E asan yung libreng asukal?
Cashier: Bakit?
Erap: Sabi dito e sugar-free! Asan na?
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Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice.
I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos!
It was written: “Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!”
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Q: Kung “salumpwet” ang tagalog ng chair, ano ang tagalog ng wheelchair?
A: Salumpo!
Q: Ano tawag sa intsik na nasa wheelchair?
A: Lumpong Shanghai! (mwehehehe).
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Driver to Erap: Boss, pakitingnan nga yung signal lights kung gumagana?
Erap: Oo gumagana. Teka, sira. O gumana na naman.
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Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay 8?
A: Ba’t may belt ka?

Q: Ano ang sabi ni 6 kay 9?
A: Tabi tyo.

Q: Ano ang sabi ni 3 kay 1?
A: Ba’t wala kang boobs?

Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay Q?
A: Ambastos mo, mag-brief ka nga.

Q: Anong sinabi ng kili-kili sa kili-kili?
A: Walang magpapaputok!

Q: Anong sabi ng kulangot sa sipon?
A: Manigas ka diyan!

Q: Anong sabi ng utot sa tae?
A: Mauna na ko sayo ha?

Q: Anong sabi ng tae sa tae.
A: Pila-pila lang. Walang tulakan!