joketime 108

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

“So he’s in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.” “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man said. “Exactly,” replies the Doc.


A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Pinoy got captured by cannibals. The Chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we’ll eat you, and then we’ll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.” The Frenchman says,

“I take the sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying “God Save the Queen!”, and blows his brains out. The Pinoy says “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The Pinoy takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over; the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere.

There’s blood gushing all over the place, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “God almighty, what are you doing?” The Pinoy sneers and says, “So much for your canoe, you stupid dork!”


Q. What’s the difference between a p3nis and a prick?
A.  A p3nis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.


A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 roll of toiletpaper
1 frozen dinner
1 can of pop
1 box of cereal
The woman behind the counter says, “so you are single huh?” The man replies very sarcastically, “Why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?” The woman replies, “no, because you are ugly.”


A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they’ve had sex, he turns to her and asks, ”So, how was I?” She says, ”Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”


Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.” The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!” The second bull is to be sold, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.” Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s 10 times a month. What do you say to that?” Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!” The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?” The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”


The train was traveling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked “Would you let me f*ck you for a dollar?” “Certainly not!” exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said “Would you let me f*ck you for a million dollars?” After a brief pause, the woman replied “yes, I suppose I would.” Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked “Would you let me f*ck you for five dollars?” “Certainly not!” replied the young woman, getting angry now “What kind of girl do you take me for?” “We’ve already established that” replied the man, “We’re just haggling over the price!”


One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her pvssy. The woman started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a bee in my pvssy!” The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s pvssy. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my p3nis and insert it into your wife’s pvssy. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my p3nis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my p3nis out of your wife’s pvssy The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.” So the doctor, after covering the tip of his p3nis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s pvssy. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That’s right,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. “Yes,” the woman says, “you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.” “That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”


Who Said That?

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions correctly can leave early today!

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and
will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”

Johnny: “Mam it’s BILL CLINTON!!!. CAN I GO NOW?”


Train Ride

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.” The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Joketime 101

A Day in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon…

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here…you a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca…we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie – you’re already dead remember?
Guy: Wow…that’s…awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever… If you go Bankrupt…well you’re dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…
Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose – that’s right – you’re dead – who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you’re really gonna hate Fridays.

Mister: Alam mo mahal, ako na ang pangalawang pinakaswerteng tao sa buong mundo!

Misis: Eh sino naman ung Una!!!

Mister: Ikaw!

Street Vendor : “bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito! pag
namuti, white gold! pag huminto stopwatch!”

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at
dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

use violet in a sentence…
“oh no! i lost my ballpen .. pero ok lang.. i’ll violet.” hehehe

couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay.
tinanong niya wife niya kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay.
so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

Ang huling bumasa nito ay hindi na uli makakatikim ng masarap na ‘Sex’ !
Safe na ‘ko! Ikaw bahala ka na sa sarili mo hehehe….

Sa isang barberya, sinabihan ng barbero si Mang Tomas, “Boss, isubo n’yo itong maliit na bola para bumukol sa pisngi ninyo at mas pulido at madali ang pag-ahit.”

Tumalima si Mang Tomas. Pagkatapos ng ahitan, iniluwa ni Mang Tomas ang bola, “Okey ‘to, ah?! Pero paano pag nalunok ko?”

Sagot ng barbero, “Ibalik mo kinabukasan pag naitae mo na tulad ng ginagawa ng ibang kustomer.”

question: paano mo malalaman kung ang nagluto ng hotdog ay bakla?

answer: lasang tae yun hot dog.

Tatay: naku… bakla ata tong anak ko… tsk tsk…
nanay: pano mo naman nasabi?!
tatay: basta… mukang lalambot lambot eh.

lumapit ang anak

anak: tay, bilihan mo naman ako ng kotse kotsehan

natuwa si tatay

tatay: aba, sige! honey, mukang mahilig sa kotse to paglaki, hindi to magiging bakla. teka anak aanhin mo naman ang kotse kotsehan?
anak: tay, sasakay ko si Barbie.

patient: doc kailangan ko masuka pero hindi ako masuka eh, ano po ba kailangan gawin?

doc: dutdutin mo iyong lalamunan mo gamit daliri mo.

patient: doc, ayaw pa rin eh.

doc: dutdutin mo puwet mo gamit daliri mo.

patient: doc ayaw pa rin eh.

doc: dutdutin mo ulit lalamunan mo gamit daliri mo. ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka pa masuka.


Two old ladies were waiting for a bus
and one of them was smoking a
cigarette. It started to rain, so the
old lady reached into her purse, took
out a condom, cut off the tip and
slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, “Hey
that’s a good idea! But, what is that
thing you put over your cigarette?”

The other old lady said, “It’s a

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her
friend that you could purchase condoms
at the pharmacy. When the two old
ladies arrived downtown, the old lady
with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and
asked the pharmacist if he sold
condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but
looked a little surprised that this old
woman was interested in condoms, so he
asked her, “What size do you want?”

The old lady thought for a minute and
said, “One that will fit a Camel.”

Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

Job interview….
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya….
Jorge: Ano’ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos ‘yung kabayo!

Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.

Dalawang holdaper sa bangko….
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!

Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma’am, library po!

Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado ‘yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.

After 50 years….
Urbana: Mare, how’s your sexlife?
Dolores: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.

Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.
Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?
Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!


GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna… hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka… Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!

dalawang tanga naguusap;

boy 1: tol, nakakita ka na ba ng elepanteng nagtatago sa gilid ng kalsada?

boy 2: tol, hindi pa, bakit ikaw nakakita na ba?

boy 1: tanga, panu ko makikita yun eh nagtatago nga!!

Baldo : Pare lagyan mo nga ako ng tatoo..
Jun : Bakit pare??
Baldo : Pare madalas kasi akong mapagkamalan na bading eh..
Jun : Ganon ba? sige saang parte ng katawan mo kita lalagyan ng tatoo?
Baldo : sa kilay na lang!! para mataray!!! dabah??!!

Misis : Hoy animal!!! sino tong “baby” na nagtetext sayo???!!
Mister : ah, eh, kumpare ko, lalaki yan baby lang ang pangalan…
Misis : o replyan mo!! hindi raw kayo matutuloy, may mens daw siya!!

Anak : Inay!! uminom po ako ng baygon!!!
Inay : Bakit??!! magpapakamatay ka ba??!!
Anak : hindi po!! nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis eh…
Inay : Tanga!!! iinom ka ng gamot, eh hindi ka pa naglalunch!!!!

Neneng : Inay mag aasawa na po ako, kay juan na katrabaho ko…
Inay : huwag anak!! mukhan malaki ari nun baka hindi mo kayanin
Neneng : hindi ho inay!! sinukat ko na po… kasya nga eh!!!


anak: Daddy kumakain ka ba ng ilaw?
daddy: Hindi naman kinakain ang ilaw anak e. Bakit mo naman natanong?
anak: kasi narinig ko kasi kagabi sinabi mo kay inday, ling, patayin mo na yang ilaw at kakainin ko na yan.

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
Inay: Bakit naman?
Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?


Sa Sabungan pag may dalang Manok libre ang entrance.
Si Juan, para makalibre nagdala ng inahin

Bantay : Bakt inahin dala mo?

Juan : May laban anak nya, Moral Support!

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.

Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!

Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?

A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

Astig: Shit, butiki!;

Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!

Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?

Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!


Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula
ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging
anak, naintindihan mo?

Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.


Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!

Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!

Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!


Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in
Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice Cream?
Akala ko kasi, softdrinks.
Kasi, sabi nya, “Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!”

A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin,
kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip
ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

Pedro: Totoo!

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

Pedro: Asin!

Nurse: Miss, gising na!

Patient: Ah, bakit?

Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.

Patient: Anong gamot?

Nurse: Sleeping pills.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.

Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.

Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!

Erap at Starbucks.

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

Sa prusisyon.

Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni
Mama Mary.

Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

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