Joketime 121

A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.

 

Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”

 

Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”

 

The man does so and the doctor grabs his penis.

 

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

 

Patient: “55.”

 

The doctor then grabs his balls.

 

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

 

Patient: “55.”

 

Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.

 

The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.

 

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

 

Patient: “1…..2……3…..” (hehehe)

 

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Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang

takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

 

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

 

Pedro: Totoo!

 

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

 

Pedro: Asin!

 

wapakkkk!!!

 

——————————————————————–

 

MRS: Lasing ka na naman?!

MR: Sorry, hon. Inimbita ako ng mga officemates ko. Konting inuman.

MRS: Tange! Anong officemate? Tricycle driver ka, ogag! kaboom!!!

 

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Heinekken.

 

The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Heinekken, don’t you like it?

 

The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Heinekken and blew chunks.

 

The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”.

 

You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

 

——————————————————————–

 

PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo?

 

JUAN: Pata!

 

PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?

 

JUAN; PATAgalan ng kwento! hihihi:-)

 

——————————————————————–

 

Balak mag-123 sa restaurant si Juan.

 

Manager: Hoy! San ka pupunta? Di

kapa bayad ah.

Juan: wala po akong pera.

Manager: Waiter bigyan mo ito ng

isa pang buong fried chicken.

hahaha… pag inuna mo ang leeg,

sasakalin kita. pag hita, lulumpuhin

kita. pag pakpak, pingkaw ka. pag

pitso, durog ang dibdib mo. lahat

ng gawin mo sa manok gagawin ko

sau.

 

nag isip si juan at bigla nya sinipsip ang puwet ng manok…..

 

——————————————————————–

 

KABIT: kelan mo hihiwalayan ang asawa mo?

 

MISTER: ngayon na. paguwi ko

 

KABIT: talaga?

 

MISTER: oo. sure na sure na. wala nang makakapag-pigil sakin. ikaw kasi ang mahal ko at sawa nako sa kanya. sasabihin ko ayoko na

 

nagmamadaling umuwi si mister sa bahay

 

MISTER: kelangan natin mag-usap, may sasabihin ako sayo

 

MISIS: ako rin may sasabihin

 

MISTER: importante yung sakin

 

MISIS: yung akin din

 

MISTER: hindi mo naiintindihan… ayoko…

 

MISIS: nanalo ako sa lotto 70million! ano yung sasabihin mo?? sabi mo ayoko

 

MISTER: aa… ayokong… mawalay sayo. i love you (wehhh di nga??? hehe)

 

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Teacher: What do you want to become?

 

Johnny: Doctor !!

 

Teacher: Why?

 

Johnny: Coz its the only one profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. (korek ka jan hehe)

 

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Ni-rape si Inday

Maid: Ma’m, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi…

Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?

Maid: Eh, akala ko po kase si Sir, pero nung dumalawang round, nagduda na po ako!

acheche!!

 

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Nanay sinisermunan ang anak

Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?

Anak: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, ‘tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.’nyekkk!!

Computerized Health Diagnosis

One day Jack complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend Jill suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.  ”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $1.” Jack figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $1. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

 

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

 

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Jack began to wonder if this machine is fool-proof. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $1. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

 

“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.” Awwww! :mrgreen:

joketime 120

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.

The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it?

The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.

The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer  you’re surely going to blow chunks”.

You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

———————————————————————

A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.

Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”

Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”

The man does so and the doctor grabs his p3nis.

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

Patient: “55.”

The doctor then grabs his balls.

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

Patient: “55.”

Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.

The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

Patient: “1…..2……3…..”

————————————————————–

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

“Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual

comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong.

These unwanted advances will have to stop.”

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t’ do it again.”

The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.” Chuck’s face lit up.

“Ms Jones?!!!!

I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!”

———————————————————————-

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh

James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

“Oh really, I can’t,” he replies…”My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened, somewhat feels his face and replies “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”

————————————————————————

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes out to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

The mother replies, “Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.” “Your wasting your time,” said the boy.

“Why is that?” the mom asked puzzled.

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

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In Flight Refreshment
An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each
other on the plane.

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, “Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.”

The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the air-hostess said, “Madam, I did not know there was a choice.”

———————————————————————-

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
GirL: “What? You’re crazy!”
Boy: “Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”
Girl: “No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor…”
Boy: “At this time of the night? No one will show up…”
Girl: “I’ve already said No, and NO!”
Boy: “Honey, it’s just a small blowie…I know you’d like it, too…”
Girl: “No! I’ve said NO!”
Boy: “My love… Don’t be like that…”

At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowj0b himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”

———————————————————————–

3 men die and go to heaven. At the gates, they meet St Peter who tells them

‘Before you come in here, you have to answer one question. According to how you answer the question you will get a mode of transport. The mode of transport you have determines your status in heaven, do you understand?’

‘yes’ answer the men

‘ok’ says Peter and he turns to the first man. ‘Tell me truthfully, how many times have you had an affair???’

‘Well’ said the first man ‘I must admit I’ve had an affair 5 times’

‘You get a bicycle then’ said Peter and off the man goes into heaven

The second man answers, ‘I’ve had an affair 2 times’ and so he gets a mini cooper and goes off into heaven

Finally the last man answers ‘I can honestly say I have never had an affair in my life, I love my wife’ and so he gets a brand new bmw and goes off into heaven.

A time later, the first man sees the last man sat next to his brand new bmw crying.

‘What could possibly be wrong, you have this wonderfull car?’ asks the first man.

‘It’s not that, I think that’s great’ says the man crying, ‘it’s just that I’ve just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!’

—————————————————————–

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up

again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,

I will stay with you for one week.”

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the

pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a

Princess, I’ll stay with you and do *anything* you want.”

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess,

that I’ll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why won’t

you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for

girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.” 😀