joketime 115

Boy 1: Utol, ba’t ka umiiyak?
Boy 2: Sinapak ako ng batang kalaro ko kanina.
Boy 1: Makikilala mo pa ba ang mukha niya?
Boy 2: Oo, sa katunayan, nasa bulsa ko pa yung isang tenga nya.
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Maraming matutuklasan sa lasa ng muta:
Pag mapait: may deprensya ka sa puso.
Pag maasim: may deprensya ka sa bituka.
Pag matamis: may deprensya ka sa balumbalunan.
Pag tinikman mo: may deprensya ka sa ulo!
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Nagkasunog sa Malacanang.
PSG: Sir, dito na po kayo lumabas sa fire exit.
Erap: Bat mo ko diyan padadaanin e labasan yan ng apoy!
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Erap: Chavit, wala ka bang naaamoy?
Chavit: Wala naman a, anong amoy ba?
Erap: Parang may amoy bulok.
Chavit: Ganyan talaga yan. Malapit kasi ang ilong mo sa bibig mo e.
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Erap: (crying) Tumawag ang doktor… Mom’s dead!
Zamora: Condolence, sir.
(After 2 minutes, Zamora hears Erap crying even louder)
Zamora: What’s wrong now?
Erap: My sister just called. Her mom died too!
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General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.
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Amo: Inday, pagdating ng buyer ng bahay, sabihin mo nagse-second thought pa kami ng sir mo.
Maid: Upu Mam!Later…
Buyer: Saan ang amo mo?
Maid: Si Sir po at si Mam eh nagsisikentut pa pu.
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Erap buying chewing gum sa 711.
Erap: Etong bayad!
Cashier: Etong sukli nyo sir.
Erap: Ha? E asan yung libreng asukal?
Cashier: Bakit?
Erap: Sabi dito e sugar-free! Asan na?
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Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice.
I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos!
It was written: “Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!”
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Q: Kung “salumpwet” ang tagalog ng chair, ano ang tagalog ng wheelchair?
A: Salumpo!
Q: Ano tawag sa intsik na nasa wheelchair?
A: Lumpong Shanghai! (mwehehehe).
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Driver to Erap: Boss, pakitingnan nga yung signal lights kung gumagana?
Erap: Oo gumagana. Teka, sira. O gumana na naman.
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Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay 8?
A: Ba’t may belt ka?

Q: Ano ang sabi ni 6 kay 9?
A: Tabi tyo.

Q: Ano ang sabi ni 3 kay 1?
A: Ba’t wala kang boobs?

Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay Q?
A: Ambastos mo, mag-brief ka nga.

Q: Anong sinabi ng kili-kili sa kili-kili?
A: Walang magpapaputok!

Q: Anong sabi ng kulangot sa sipon?
A: Manigas ka diyan!

Q: Anong sabi ng utot sa tae?
A: Mauna na ko sayo ha?

Q: Anong sabi ng tae sa tae.
A: Pila-pila lang. Walang tulakan!

joketime 113

BOY BASTOS: Yaya, pasubok nung ginagawa nyo ng driver natin.
Yaya: Bata ka pa, tumigil ka dyan.
BOY BASTOS: Big boy na ko yaya.
Yaya: Tumigil ka riyan, ha… ahhh ohhh
BOY BASTOS: Eh di itigil…
Yaya: Subukan mong tumigil… tatadyakan kita. (ayos hehe!)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts themselves. “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth.” The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?” The old lady answers: “We just love the chocolate around them.” Ewwww…yuckkk!! Arrrkkkhh!
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SEXY: Maawa ka! Meron ako, Meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa akin! TITIKMAN KITAA!!
SEXY: WAG! AYYY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog.  (kulet mo kse eh, cnabi ng meron eh, hehe)
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Ina: Di ba sinabi ko, kapag hinipuan ka ng boyfriend mo sa dede, say DONT! At pag sa pepe, say STOP! Eh bakit nabuntis ka pa rin?
Anak: Sabay po kseng hinipo eh, kaya sabi ko DONT STOP!!! atsetse!
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Dalawang misis namamalengke . . . .

Misis1 : (habang hawak ang talong) Alam mo, naalala ko yung “kwan” ng mister ko pag hawak ko tong talong . . .

Misis2 : (napanganga) Aba’y bakit? Ganyan kalaki?

Misis1 : Hinde!.! (hawak pa rin ang talong) Ganyan KAITIM!

Misis2 : (Kumuha ng patatas) Ako naman naalala ko yung balls ng asawa ko pag nakakakita ako ng patatas.

Misis1 : Bakit? Ganyan ba kalaki yung sa mister mo?

Misis2 : Hinde no!?! Ganyan KADUMI!!! whapakkk!
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Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko.
Huling gabi ko na ito, let’s make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas,
buti ikaw, hindi na. (oo nga naman hehe)
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Magkumare nag-chichikahan?
Mare1 : Kinakausap mo ba ang mister mo habang nakikipag-sex ka?
Mare2 : Hindi ah! Pinapatay ko ang celphone ko para di niya ako
matawagan. Toinkz!!!
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Anak: Nay! Dalaga na Ko, may mens na ko..
Nanay: Aber, anong kulay?
Anak: Dark Brown po..
Nanay: Tigilan mo ako Danilo ha! Ebak yan at nde mens! (awww baho)
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Husband: (lasing) darling yung CR natin, parang me multo.
Wife: Bakit?
Husband: Kasi pag binubukasan ko yung pintuan, umiilaw.
Wife: Animal ka! Ikaw pala umiihi sa REF!!!
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Q – Bakit bulaklak ang design ng pant?
A – kasi alay sa mga patay na buhok.
Q – Bakit sa brief wala?
A kasi meron ng nakatirik na kandila.
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Bold show ni Osang:
Paghubad niya ng damit at bra, palakpak at sigawan ang lahat ng kalalakihan.
Paghubad ng panty, tumahimik lahat.

Osang: Anong nangyari sa inyo?
BOY: Hindi kami makapalakpak ng isang kamay lang. (oo nga naman)
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Doctor berates Wife: You are not good in bed!
Then, doctor goes to work, later calls his wife. Eight rings before she answers.
Doctor: What took you so long?
Wife: I’m in bed, getting a second opinion. (arggh)
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A sad story:

A child is jealous of his newborn brother which is always breastfed by their mother. So he puts poison to their mom’s breast. Early in the moring, their driver died! (patay kang driver ka haha!)
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Theme song ng mga kasal na tao:
1 – 10 years: Araw -araw, Gabi – Gabi
11 – 25 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan?
over 26 years: Maalaala Mo kaya? (ngorks!)
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Man raped Woman:
MAN: After 9 months you are going to bear a child and you will name him HERCULES.
WOMAN: After 9 days your penis will bear rashes and you will call it HERPES! (yari ka!)
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3 Vampire’s at the resto:
RICH: Give me fresh blood.
MIDDLE CLASS: Give me dinuguan.
POOR: Hot water lang. (Took out a used Modess). Hirap ng buhay, tsaa na lang ako. (eeeww!)
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Woman: Doc, there’s a bee inside my pussy!
Doctor: ok, i’ll put honey on my dick as bait.
Woman: Doc, why are you pushing up and down?
Doctor: Change of plan, I’ll drown the bee instead.
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A young boy was f*cking the dog when his mom entered the the room. Both stared at each other and not a word was said. Then the boy break the silence and said: “Kesa naman magdrugs ako?” (pede..pede..lol)
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BOY BASTOS: Yaya, pasubok nung ginagawa nyo ng driver natin.
Yaya: Bata ka pa, tumigil ka dyan.
BOY BASTOS: Big boy na ko yaya.
Yaya: Tumigil ka riyan, ha… ahhh ohhh
BOY BASTOS: Eh di itigil…
Yaya: Subukan mong tumigil… tatadyakan kita. (ayos hehe!)
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Guy has kiss mark and need to explain to his wife. When he got home, the dog jumped on him. Aha!
Man: Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Wife: That’s nothing. look what he did to my boobs! (tada!)