Computerized Health Diagnosis

One day Jack complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend Jill suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.  ”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $1.” Jack figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $1. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

 

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

 

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Jack began to wonder if this machine is fool-proof. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $1. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

 

“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.” Awwww! :mrgreen:

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Doc: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?

Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh!!!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

May nagpapa-translate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog: “Emergency Exit”

ang sabi ko, “MADALING LABASAN…? Tama ba? Parang bastos ata.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Lalake: Pag tayo na, magkasama na nating haharapin ang mga problema.

Babae: Pero wala naman akong problema..

Lalake: Kasi nga, hindi pa tayo. Wag ka excited!!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Sa Sauna:

Sa Hospital…

Attendant: Sir, gusto mo ng tirafi?

Guest: Anong tirafi? Baka therapy?

Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you tira me, you give me fee. uki?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Mr: Hon, buksan mo ang pinto!

Mrs: Sori, hindi pwede. Wala akong suot.

Mr.. (tumawa) ok lang. Wala akong kasama.

Mrs: Ako, meron!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Tip for a long life:

Wag mo isusulat name mo sa condolence book pag dumalaw ka sa patay. Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nagkakaron ng raffle kung sinong susunod….. .

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Guro: Pedro late kana naman..

Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko.

Guro: Problema ba yun. E di i-advance mo.

Pedro: Sige po.

Guro: Oh, saan ka pupunta?

Boy: uwian na po!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!

Mr: Anong ABS?

Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!

Mr: Eh ikaw CBN!

Mrs: CBN?

Mr: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:

Guy 1: Pre, doctor ako.. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako! Ikaw pre?

Guy 2: Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Bakit binaril ng bobo ang girlfriend nya?

Kasi sinubukan nya kung totoong FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Pasahero: Mama, dahan-dahan lang po. Alalahanin nyo na palaging nakasunod sa atin ang disgrasya!

Drayber: E, kaya ko nga binibilisan para di tayo abutan!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

(sa isang turo-turo):

Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!

Tindera: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo….manok?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Tom: Alam mo pare, my new wife is a sex object!

Jerry: Wow! Maganda pala ang napangasawa mo pre!

Tom: Hindi naman. But everytime I want to have sex, she objects!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

PO 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!

SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K10,
hindi na sila aso

PO 1: Ano na sila sir?

SUPT: maliit na pusa…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Anak: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.

Nanay: Sige, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

A husband asked his wife, “What do you like most in me, my macho face or my sexy body?

The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor”.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Russian: Sir, we got huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.

Putin: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

A guy picks up a girl for a date.

“Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?

Girl: I promised mom that I wouldn’t let you touch me below my belt..

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Via: Email

Got Jokes? Share it here at websaytko.com! 😆

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WIFE: Himala! Ang aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND:Sunod ko lang utos boss ko. Sabi niya, “GO TO HELL” kaya eto uwi agad ako.

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1st night, lola wears see thru dress, lolo didn’t react…
2nd night, lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma…
3rd night, lola all naked, lolo said, “Ano ba yang suot mo, gusto-gusot!”

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TEACHER: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
STUDENT: That’s not true! My dad says we are descendants of an Ape!
TEAHCER: We are not talking about your family OKAY!

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THE OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

Amen, Sister!

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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the
deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing”.

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend” ?

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge” he says. “No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit” she says. “Honestly, ma’am”, the mortician says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice…

… So I just switched heads.”

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Bullfight Buffet

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day.

The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, “What gives?”

And the waiter says, “Senor, the bullfighter doesn’t always win!”

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Satisfaction

There was an older man who’d married a younger woman. All was going well… except in the bedroom. He couldn’t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn’t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex — that way, he’d last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn’t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

“Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you’re doing?”
Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

“I’m just fixing the axle of my car, officer.”

“Well, while you’re down there you’d better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!”

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Country Politics

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, they were ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how crooked politicians lie.”

😀 😀 😀